


Summertime's Remains

by h0neybeebear



Series: The Seasons That Change Us [3]
Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst, Blood, Crime Scenes, Drama, Explicit Sexual Content, F/F, Fights, Gun Violence, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Minor Character Death, Serial Killers, Spanking, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-16
Updated: 2017-06-06
Packaged: 2018-11-01 12:31:59
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 7
Words: 23,183
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10921866
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/h0neybeebear/pseuds/h0neybeebear
Summary: On an ill-fated trip to New Jersey to gather evidence on their prime suspect, Amanda and Olivia finally reach the climax of their twisted contentions, but Amanda's decisions may just break them for good.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys here we are with part three. Y'all dont even know how excited I am to post this part as its my favorite. Things about to ridiculously crazy and I'm so pumped to share it with everyone. All your kudos and comments will be so appreciated and I love y'all so much. Please enjoy

“Hi….hi…..Mommy, is she okay?”

Noah's tiny voice scratched at Amanda's consciousness, rousing her from the deep, alcohol induced sleep she'd been in. As soon as she'd broken the surface of sleep, she could feel the headache beginning and the dry, thick taste in her mouth. Her entire body felt sluggish and she groaned softly.

“Noah, leave her alone, please.” Olivia's voice drew across her ears, reminding her of exactly where she was and how she'd gotten there. Some parts of the night were fuzzy but others were clear as day.

“Come eat.” Olivia called Noah once more and she heard his small feet patter away.

She opened her eyes slowly and Olivia's living room came into view. The furniture and fixtures of the room were like sad props in a play, witnesses to a fleeting act of passion.

Amanda laid still against the couch, feeling no inclination to rise.

In the harsh light of day, knowing what she'd done, she wanted to slap herself. She could blame alcohol but who would believe that lie? Truth be told, the alcohol had only served to loosen her cold grip on anger and revenge. While her inhibitions were lowered, even deeper feelings had escaped out of the cracks in her heart.

“Amanda…” Olivia's voice neared her and Amanda glanced up to see Olivia coming to her side. She bent down next to the couch, her gaze fixed with carefully concealed concern.

“I'm fine.” Amanda said immediately, beginning to push herself up. Her head throbbed and she squeezed her eyes shut, lifting a hand to her aching forehead.

“That's what I thought.” Olivia murmured.

Amanda lowered her hand to glare at her but was met by Olivia's outstretched hands offering water and pain reliever. She grudgingly took both and tossed the pills into her mouth. She washed them both down in one long gulp, thankful for the water on her parched tongue.

She supposed this was Olivia's attempt at an apology.

“I have to go soon.” Olivia said, glancing back towards Noah. “Lucy will be here soon.”

“Trying to get me out so your sitter won't be suspicious?” Amanda jabbed with a cynical laugh.

Olivia tilted her head with an irritated gaze. “Lucy is the least of my worries.”

“You mean...Fin.” Amanda sighed, gazing downwards. She picked at a loose thread on her jeans to avoid Olivia's gaze.

“I support you speaking your feelings to someone.” Olivia said, slowly and Amanda could sense a ‘but’ coming.

“Just not your sergeant.” Amanda said softly.

Olivia didn't reply for a moment and Amanda slid a glance her way. Olivia's brow was marked with a frown, her lips set in a firm line.

“You don't have to tell me all the ways I fucked up last night.” Amanda said, pushing the water glass back towards Olivia and standing quickly. “I'll get out of your hair.”

“Amanda…” Olivia began as Amanda slid around her and headed for the door.

Amanda could already feel humiliated tears in her eyes. She couldn't believe her drunk self had been convinced that Olivia would possibly be reminded of their time together and want that again. There was no room for second chances any longer. Amanda had crushed every single one.

“Amanda.” Olivia caught her arm just as she grabbed the doorknob.

“What?” Amanda asked, turning back go look at Olivia's conflicted gaze.

“We should talk about what happened.” She said, her voice soft but firm.

“What's to say?” Amanda replied, keeping her voice lowered but only for Noah's sake. “I think we both already know how we feel.”

“Trying to read each other's mind is what got us in trouble last time.” Olivia's voice was close to a plea and as much as that reaction sparked glee inside of Amanda, she knew better than to believe it.

“I'll see you at work.” Amanda said, pulling away. She didn't look back at Olivia as she headed down the corridor.

She pressed her eyes shut for half a second against a second wave of threatening tears. Her heart ached, remembering how close they'd been last night, but she was ashamed of her own weakness. Olivia hadn't responded like she had wanted and so she had played the only card she had - to get down on her knees like some slut in a porno and beg to be punished. Her ego was so miniscule at this point, she wondered if it even existed after all that Olivia had done to her.

Amanda pushed out of the front gate of Olivia's apartment building and headed out into the rising sun. She decided that what she needed right at the moment was a good, long smoke.

She walked until she found a small bodega down the street to buy a pack of cigarettes from. Afterwards, she sat on the sidewalk against the building which offered shade, and opened the pack.

She didn't care if she smoked them all or if she was late to work. Olivia couldn't degrade her or ridicule her any further. She was already at her lowest point. From her position here in the deep pit of despair and humiliation, she didn't see a way out, nor could she find any reasons to climb up towards the light.

~~~~~

When Amanda arrived at the SVU precinct, the rest of the squad was already there, gathered around the whiteboard. Pictures of the bodies were displayed along with a photo of Ronald Duvall.  Maggie Wilcox's school photo smiled sweetly back at Amanda from amongst the gruesome ugliness.

“Some of the bodies are still unidentified.” Carisi was saying as she approached. “We're searching missing persons.”

“Widen the search-” Olivia began but her orders were interrupted when Amanda entered. Her eyes flickered to Amanda's, her tone tripping conspicuously.

“Hey, I almost thought you went back to Homicide.” Carisi joked. “Long night?”

_ You don't know the half of it. _

Fin smacked Carisi's arm with a frown and Carisi's smile fell.

“I'm good.” Amanda shrugged. “Besides, this isn't my precinct.” She shot a narrowed glance towards Olivia.

“So you can slack off on seven dead children?” Olivia's folded her arms, returning Amanda's glare two fold.

Fin and Carisi exchanged uncomfortable glances and Amanda felt her cheeks flush.

“No, that's not what I meant.” She said, damning the burn that rose up through her body.

It had been her walking away this morning when Olivia had offered an olive branch but she couldn't shake the feeling that it hadn't been sincere. Maybe that was her own bitter mind sabotaging her but Amanda wasn't ready to fall at Olivia's feet again. Not now, and maybe not ever again.

“Good.” Olivia snapped her gaze back to the other two detectives. “Widen the search. He hunted outside of his home state, his comfort zone. Maybe New York isn't the only place he traveled too.”

“Yes, ma'am.” Sunny saluted her and Amanda rolled her eyes. He just couldn't refrain from kissing Olivia's ass even when he realized the tension between her and the lieutenant.

“Find the parents of these girls.” Olivia said. “I want to know if they've ever seen Duvall before. How did he find them?”

Fin nodded but Amanda could feel him glancing over at her. She wondered if he had an idea of what had happened after he left her at Olivia's last night. He probably thought they'd slept together again but the truth was much more horrifying. Amanda thanked God her inebriated tongue had not spilled the entire story of their affair.

“And since you've decided to join us, Detective Rollins,” Olivia turned back towards her, “you'll be heading to Jersey with me.”

“Wait..what?” Amanda asked, a jolt of apprehension slicing across her chest.

“We need to know everything about Duvall.” Olivia said, “I've already spoken with the local PD. They'll work in conjunction with us should we need to go beyond interviews.”

Amanda struggled to find some reason to back out of the trip, but short of resigning from the case, no opportunities presented themselves. Just the thought of having to be alone with Olivia again brought a shudder of dread to her limbs. Just when she thought she could escape, Olivia found another way to trap her.

“Do you have a problem, Rollins?” Olivia asked, her searing gaze digging into Amanda, inquisitively.

“No…” Amanda shook her head, but she was already turning away.

Her heart was racing, her palms clammy. She rubbed one hand on her pant leg before running it over her face. She breathed out and tried to assure herself that everything would be okay, that'd they'd be so busy with the case they wouldn't have time to even look at each other…. But she knew it was all a lie. They'd never been too busy; no, not even Amanda walking away had been able to keep them apart.

~~~~

I-97 S whipped by Amanda as the squad car raced towards Jersey.

Olivia's foot was hot on the pedal and Amanda had a feeling that neither of them wanted to spend any more time than necessary confined inside the small space. They hadn't been driving long but Amanda already wanted out.

Olivia let the silence prolong for another few minutes but Amanda could tell she wanted to say something. She could see the tension in her grip on the steering wheel and the stiff set of her shoulders. She could sense it in the way her eyes glanced over for half a second before concentrating on the road.

“I'm not going to bite you if you speak to me.” Amanda laughed at last, although they both knew her bravado was but a facade. They'd both been witness to her weakness last night and if all it took was alcohol to break her, then maybe her fortress walls weren't as thick as either of them had imagined.

“The last time I suggested we talk, you blew me off.” Olivia returned.

Amanda stared out the window, quelling a tide of emotion at the mention of the morning after.

“Well I think we both know that you say what you want.” Amanda returned at last. “You're trying to tell me you want to put the kid gloves on now?”

Olivia pursed her lips before saying, softly, “I've made that mistake before.”

“What's that?” Amanda asked, glancing over at her.

She didn't want to say she was moved by the gentility in Olivia's voice but after the brutality of the past few days it peaked her interest.

“Speaking and acting before thinking.” Olivia said, her eyes narrowing on the road.

“If this is another apology…” Amanda said, tiredly.

“No…” Olivia shook her head. “Its an admission…”

Amanda swallowed and licked her dry lips. She wasn't sure how to reply because she didn't know where Olivia was going with this.

“You've confessed to me plenty of times, but…” Her voice trailed off and Amanda could hear her draw a breath. Amanda's own inhale hitched, her heart fluttering in her chest.

Her mind was a million miles ahead then suddenly racing backwards. It wasn't the first time Olivia had confessed to her in this car and now with everything that had happened Amanda wondered exactly what it was that Olivia wanted.

“I've learned to admit when I'm wrong.” Olivia continued. “It's a skill you have to have in this line of work but I guess I've never learned how to do it in my personal life…”

“What are you trying to tell me?” Amanda asked, impatiently.

“We've got two hours in this car.” Olivia tossed her a sharp look, “Let me get this out.”

Amanda drew back at the passion in her tone. Maybe for once in her life she needed to stop forcing things and actually listen, as hard as that was. It was the last thing she wanted to do for Olivia after she'd wasted so much time already on this messed up relationship, but a tiny voice in the back of her mind urged her to give her just a little more time.

“What I'm saying is…” Olivia drew a breath, “I didn't want to admit that I was wrong from the beginning….I pride myself in being the commander of this unit and yet I did the worst thing a leader could possibly do…”

Amanda stared at Olivia's strained profile, her heart beating rapidly against her chest. She could hardly draw a breath as she listened to Olivia's voice rise and fall, her tone both bitter and sweet.

“I didn't want to call it what it was.” Olivia continued, her voice trembling against emotion that wanted to break through. “But it was abuse of power...No matter what way you look at it...I was in the position to manipulate you and I did it…”

Silence fell over them for a moment and Amanda could feel the first of tears gathering at the corners of her eyes and a question she'd never even thought to ask rose to her lips.

“Why?”

Olivia glanced over at her sharply. Her eyes were glistening and rimmed with soft red but Amanda knew the tears wouldn't fall, no, not today.

“Because…” She whispered, her tone incredulous, as if it were obvious, “I really do care about you.”

Amanda looked away with a scoff, “If you cared about me so much, wouldn't you have found another way to show it?”

“I wouldn't ask you to understand...but I've never felt this way before.”

Amanda pressed her eyes shut, shaking her head. She of all people knew how lust turned into abuse but this she couldn't comprehend. She couldn't wrap her mind around the fact that Olivia felt so strongly that she hadn't been able to control it. It wasn't possible that Olivia cared about her as much as she claimed.

“When I was with Elliot…” She whispered at last, jarring Amanda's attention, “I didn't think. We never thought. We just acted. We spent our days on the job and sometimes our nights. When we finally got away, we'd be so exhausted. Sometimes we'd been awake for almost two days but then…” She sighed and Amanda could hear the pain wrapped up inside that single vocalization. “We'd look at each other and realize we didn't have anywhere else to be. No one to go home to.”

Amanda looked away from Olivia's face, unsure if she wanted to hear this. It seemed far too private for her ears not to mention it struck a chord of jealousy inside of her, hearing of lustful, carefree trysts that she could only dream of. What pain could come of freely given love?

“I let myself fall in love with a person who could only give me one side of himself and while my heart was broken, he went back home to his wife and his children.” Olivia continued, “So I vowed to never be so stupid again.”

Amanda didn't answer although tears clung to her eyelids. Olivia's description of her heartbreak was something that Amanda could understand and the realization struck hard. She bit at her lower lip and fixed her gaze towards the escaping landscape of New York.

“And now…” Olivia murmured, “I've done the same things to you.”

Amanda choked back to sob and rubbed her hands over her eyes. She couldn't break. She had to find a way to bolster her anger. This commiseration was nothing more than a tactic to gain her sympathy, to find one more way to slip between the broken pieces of her heart.

“I let all the pain I'd experienced twist my feelings towards you into something that couldn't possibly resemble love.” Olivia whispered. “Just like I wanted.”

“You wanted to hurt me?” Amanda asked, clenching her teeth against emotion.

“I wanted to protect myself.” Olivia replied, her voice strengthening.

_ Selfish bitch… _ The epitaph wasn't far from falling from her lips but she bit back the bitter words.

“You don't know long it took for me to call you into my office that first time.” Olivia said, her tone strained, “You don't know how long I wanted you, and the lengths I went to to keep myself from you.”

Amanda grasped the seat, caught off guard by the passion driving Olivia's confession. She'd told herself many times that she was only a surrogate for Olivia's desires, a plaything to alleviate loneliness, a bolster for her ego… From the beginning, she'd never imagined that she was the sole reason for Olivia's actions. There wasn't a place for her in Olivia's life or heart….

"You're lying…” Amanda whispered, her tone halting.

“I wouldn't.” Olivia returned. “I'm guilty of many things...but not being untruthful.”

Amanda shook her head, “You did this to me knowing what would happen.”

“Yes…” Olivia admitted softly.

Amanda pushed herself up in the seat and turned towards Olivia to say, “You're right. All you ever did was abuse your power and manipulate me.”

Olivia's head ducked for a moment before to glared out at the road. A tear clung to lower lid, welling up in her sad, dark brown eyes.

“Don't give me this bullshit line about wanting me or loving me.” Amanda hissed, “I won't be played. Elliot may have played you but trust me...I'm not that naive.”

Olivia drew in a breath, her nostrils flaring, but she didn't reply to Amanda vehement response.

“You made us what we are.” Amanda panted angrily, “All we know how to do is hurt each other and believe me...That's exactly what I want.”

She turned away, her arms crossing tightly over her heaving chest and stomach. Her stomach churned sickly, her head spinning. The wounds on her heart burned with the acid from her rage, but she only hoped that it served to flush out the naive desires of tender love she'd buried deep; because unlike Olivia, she wouldn't be that stupid.


	2. Chapter 2

The inside of Melissa Engle’s home was warm and almost inviting as the summer breeze flowed through open windows. The bucolic landscape of New Jersey countryside made for an inspiring view but Amanda could sense it hadn't always been this way. It took much longer than two years to scrub the scourge of abuse from one's life.

Melissa, Duvall’s ex-wife, was a gentle, soft spoken women but Amanda knew there was a strength that came from finally escaping an abuser like Ronald Duvall.

She had offered them fresh lemonade after seating them on the couch and Amanda accepted. This conversation was going to be hard enough without shirking her hospitality.

“It's been a long time since Ronald and I were together.” Melissa said as she sat down on a chair across from them. She didn't meet their eyes as she said, “He had a hard time letting go.”

“You took out a restraining order against him?” Olivia asked.

“Yes. After we separated, he wouldn't leave us alone. He would come to the house in the middle of the night, banging down the door.” She shook her head, “Then he'd show up at Sara’s school functions, crying and begging to have us back.”

“That's must've taken a lot of strength to get through.” Olivia said, softly.

“I was just trying to keep my daughter safe.” Melissa said. “But I suppose all of that is public record….What did he do that made you come all the way down here?”

Amanda glanced over at Olivia before saying, “He's our main suspect in a murder investigation.”

Melissa nodded slowly and Amanda could see her eyes glisten quickly. “Who did he kill?”

“Well…” Olivia said, gently, “That's why we're here...We need to ask you some questions.”

“Whatever you want.” Melissa nodded, her hands wringing in her lap.

“Now, last time we spoke on the phone, you said that Ronald never hurt Sara?”

“No.” Melissa shook her head, “In a screwed up way, he really loves her.”

Amanda glanced at Olivia again as they both pondered the implications of her words. Whether they were innocently meant or not, Amanda pressed forward.

“We believe he hurt someone like Sara… A little girl.” Amanda said as gently as possible.

“Oh god..” Melissa whispered, her face twisting in anguish. She wrung her hands even tighter, her slight shoulders shuddering.

“Has he ever done anything that makes you wonder?” Olivia asked.

“Wonder if he's a p-pedophile?” Melissa whispered.

“Yes…” Olivia said. “I'm sorry we have to put you through this but he may get away with it if we don't find some evidence.”

“I always knew he wasn't right.” Melissa whispered. “But I was pregnant and living with him seemed like my best option…”

“You couldn't have known.” Olivia assured her. “Men like him are very good at hiding what they are.”

“He liked me to dress up like a little girl.” Melissa burst out, her face flushing with what Amanda couldn't discern between anger or humiliation. “Not just school girl outfits but...all kinds of things to make me look younger.”

“And you indulged him because you wanted security for your child.” Olivia sympathized.

“Yes…” Melissa whispered. “Then there was the pornography.”

“What pornography?” Amanda asked, leaning forward.

“I found him watching child pornography and got really upset.” Melissa said. “He promised never to do it again but of course that was a lie. I think that was when I knew I had to get out.”

“Were you ever worried he'd hurt Sara?” Amanda asked.

“I left when she was five. I knew she was getting to the age of the girls I'd seen in the videos and I couldn't take the risk…” She shook her head, “I could see him beginning to look at her. Sometimes he'd hold her for a moment too long or kiss her on the mouth too much and I just…” She choked on a sob and lowered her face to her hands.

“You did the best thing you could.” Olivia said. “You kept your daughter and yourself safe.”

“But what about this other child?” She asked, brokenly. “Another family is suffering because of him.”

“That's on him.” Amanda interjected. “Not you.”

Melissa nodded. “He's just ruined so much in my life and now he's ruining other's lives as well.”

“I know this is difficult,” Olivia said, “but if you don't mind we'd like to speak with Sara.”

“What are you going to ask her?” Melissa asked.

“Just some simple questions about how she feels about her dad.” Amanda assured her.

“She hardly remembers a close relationship to him but I want to help you.” Melissa said, standing from her chair. “I'll show you to her room.”

Amanda and Olivia rose together as Melissa exited the room ahead of him.

“So far none of this is necessarily incriminating.” Amanda murmured to Olivia.

“But it does establish a pattern.” Olivia said, “It's all classic pedophile behavior.”

Amanda shrugged. So far, this trip was a waste of time and energy but maybe she just wanted to escape Olivia's presence. Typically, she did everything she could to catch a pedophile, even above and beyond, but her dedication in the past few days had wavered so much that she even wondered why she was here. She tried to ignore the guilty voice in the back of her mind that accused her of selfish motivations and adjusted her focus to the task at hand.

They followed Melissa upstairs to a door that was decorated with stickers and a drawings and sign that read SARA in big, pink letters. The bright, childish innocence of it clashed with the darker meaning of their visit.

“Sara.” Melissa said, opening the door to a small but cozy bedroom which was decorated much the same way as the door. It was almost disturbing how bright and cheerful this girl's surroundings were as if Melissa had overcompensated for their less than happy beginnings as a family.

Sara was sitting at her desk, drawing a picture. Blonde hair dangled across her tender, young face and her feet swung from the chair as she bent over the sheet of paper. 

“Sara,” Melissa knelt down beside her daughter. “There's some police officers here. They want to talk to you about Daddy.”

Sara turned big, blue eyes on them, her sweet face marked in fear. “Did he do something bad again?” She asked.

“Yes.” Melissa said, her voice trembling as she took her daughter's hands. “He's done something very bad and we need to help them.”

“Hi, Sara.” Olivia said, giving the little girl a wave.

“Hi.” Sara said, shrinking down in her seat.

“We're just gonna ask you some questions, ok?” Olivia said, sitting down on the bed next to her.

Amanda watched her, quelling the respect that she'd always held for Olivia's ability to connect with the children, something Amanda had never quite conquered. Olivia could help a hundred more victims and she still wouldn't have earned Amanda's respect back. This situation was no different.

“Okay.” Sara whispered.

“Do you remember living with your dad?” Olivia asked, leaning forward  to hold eye contact with the little girl.

“Yes.”

“What do you remember about it? Did you like it?”

“It was ok.” Sara said, her nose wrinkling, “but then he got mean.”

“Did he ever hurt you when he was mean?” Olivia asked.

“No...he yelled a lot then I would go to my room and cover my ears.” Sara said, staring down at her lap.

“That's ok, Sara.” Olivia smiled, “Did he ever do anything besides yell that would upset you?”

Sara glanced over at her mom, her eyes blinking rapidly. “I'm scared, Mommy.”

“It's ok, Sara, you can tell them.” Melissa squeezed her hands and Amanda could see her eyes misting over again.

A sense of dread trickled through Amanda, creating white static over top of her thoughts of Olivia. She wasn't selfish enough to be uncaring of a child's suffering.

“One time he came into my room.” Sara said, slowly, pushing apprehension even deeper into Amanda's gut. She'd heard this story so many times from so many different children, but that never softened the impact.

“I was playing but he wanted to put my hair in braids.” She said, biting her lip.

“Is that all he did?” Amanda asked, her voice finally breaking from her tight throat.

Olivia's glance over at her, her gaze slightly peeved at Amanda's interference with her interview but Amanda ignored her.

“He said he wanted to take some pictures.” Sara said slowly.

Melissa eyes snapped over to Olivia's then Amanda's. Amanda could feel her own heart falling in response. More than anything she wanted this little girl to be innocent and untouched by the evil of this man but it was a weak hope. She was the center of his fantasy.

“Can you tell me what you were wearing in those pictures?” Olivia asked, her tone barely remaining even. “It would be really helpful.”

Sara glanced over at her mom again. “I- I don't remember…”

One glance at Sara's face and Amanda knew she was lying. Abuse never fades from the mind; Amanda knew this far too well.

Amanda cleared her throat and stepped forward, “Ms. Engles, why don't you step outside the room with me?”

“I need to be here with my daughter.” She clenched her fingers around Sara's tightly.

“I know you want to help your daughter but it would be better if they're alone.” Amanda held out her hand to Melissa.

They needed to get this out of Sara, and Amanda needed to escape the room.

Finally, Melissa released Sara's hands and accepted Amanda's to rise from the floor. Amanda ushered her out of the room and closed the door behind them.

“If he hurt her…” Melissa began.

“It'll give us probable cause to search his house.” Amanda finished. “I want to protect your daughter but if she can give us any clue it will be more than we had before we came here.”

Melissa covered her face in her hands. “I just never thought he did anything.”

“It's not your fault.” Amanda assured her, rubbing her arm. “We're going to find our evidence and arrest him. He'll never bother you again.”

Melissa didn't respond but sank against the wall and remained quiet as the rise and fall of the voice's inside the bedroom lulled on.

At last the door opened, severing the silent reverie. Olivia exited, her face drawn.

“What is it?” Melissa asked, grabbing her arm.

“I'm sorry, Ms. Engles.” She said, softly, her brows knitting tightly.

“Oh god, no…” She cried, her eyes wildly bouncing between them. “It must be a lie.”

“She didn't say that he touched her.” Olivia consoled her, “but he did take the pictures.”

“Sweet Jesus…” Melissa whispered, leaning heavily on Olivia. “I never knew…”

“It's going to be ok.” Olivia patted her arm, “Take your daughter to counseling and take yourself as well. This won't be easy.”

Melissa nodded quickly. “I need to be with her.”

“Of course.” Olivia stepped away from the door and they watched her go in silence.

“She's lucky.” Amanda muttered, “Her daughter could be lying in a ditch.” She turned away from Olivia as the frown rose darker on Olivia's brow.

“Amanda.” Olivia followed her down the stairs, only catching her arm when they were at the bottom. She pulled her around, saying, “That was pretty cold.”

Amanda sighed, “Well, I'm not really feeling the puppies and rainbows.”

“You connect with the victim no matter the level of trauma.” Olivia admonished. She looked as if she wanted to slap her but she didn't care. She felt for the little girl crying inside that bedroom, but maybe pissing off Olivia felt too good. Maybe she wanted her angry at her. Maybe she wanted the strong, unshakable lieutenant that much closer to snapping.

“Maybe you've been in Homicide a little too long.” Olivia frowned, releasing her arm.

“Dead people don't talk too much.” Amanda returned, before turning on her heel and heading towards the door. She heard Olivia make a disgusted exclamation in her throat and she lifted her chin as a surge of adrenaline passed through her bloodstream. If sassing Olivia was the only way to get back at her, she'd take every opportunity she could get.

Olivia followed after her as they headed down the front steps to where the squad car was parked on the street. Olivia's phone rang just as they settled inside.

“It's Barba.” She said with a sigh.

She answered the call and hit the speaker button. “Hey, Barba, you got me and Rollins.”

“He's going to get out.” Barba’s frank tone crackled through the speaker.

“What do you mean?” Olivia asked. “I thought you said you'd get high bail?”

“I did.” He responded. “But his brother was there. The same one who lended him his van to visit the bodies.”

“Ronald is a barely employed loser.” Amanda said, “Let me guess? The brother is loaded.”

“Bingo.” Barba replied, his tone sharp with irritation. “I had Fin and Carisi look into him. Apparently, he's been getting his baby brother out of messes since the beginning of Duvall’s illustrious rap sheet.”

“He was going to be our next visit.” Olivia said.

“Forget it.” Barba said, “He won't flip. You should've seen his face today in arraignment.”

“Do you think his brother would help him do more than post bail?” Amanda asked. “After all this time, he's got to know that Ronald is no saint.”

“He's not supposed to leave the state.” Barba said. “When I argued that he's a suspect in a murder investigation he was panicked.”

“Is he stupid enough to jump bail?” Amanda reasoned. “He's gotten away with it for this long.”

“If he thinks he'll be locked up, he could escalate…” Olivia said. “Go after his daughter.”

“I'm not sure if we have enough for a protective detail.” Olivia said. “Its out of our jurisdiction. We're already going to have to get the local DA to file a warrant for his place.”

“What are you looking for?” Barba asked.

“Pictures.” Olivia responded, bitterly. “Child pornography of his daughter when she was  _ five _ .”

Barba’s silence spoke for his outrage before he said, tightly, “I have a friend in the Jersey DA’s office. I can call him to expedite the warrant.”

“Thanks, Barba.” Olivia said, “I'll keep you in the loop.”

They hung up and Olivia re-dialed to contact Fin. They made arrangements to sit on Duvall should he make bail.

When Olivia hung up again she said, “Once Barba gets in touch with the DA we can head over there to sign the affidavits. Until then, let's canvas the rest of his life.” Olivia started the car and peeled away from the curb. “Someone else has got to know this guy is a pedophile.”

~~~~~

The warrant didn't come through until later that evening. The sun was just going down as Olivia and Amanda joined the local PD who would conduct the search.

The rest of the afternoon had been spent speaking to several of the jobs that Duvall had held over the past few months. Everyone they had spoken to had come up with approximately the same response - something wasn't right about him, but they couldn't put their finger on it.

After several fruitless interviews, Amanda and Olivia had found a small diner to have lunch in. They'd both been quiet and sullen throughout the meal and although Amanda's body had been starving, she'd hardly been able to stomach food. Olivia's presence rubbed across her senses like sandpaper on an open wound. The over sensitized parts of her screamed for relief but there would be no such reprieve. She didn't know whether to cry or to combust in anger. She was barely holding it together.

The groups of New Jersey detectives were still gathering as she and Olivia stood on the front step of Ronald Duvall’s rundown apartment.

“Even if we find the pictures, it doesn't link him to the murders.” Amanda said, adjusting her gun on her belt. “They'll want to prosecute him here for the charges and then we lose in him the New Jersey system.”

“Right now, I'm worried about getting justice for at least one of the children he's hurt.” Olivia returned, sharply.

After spending a continuous day together, neither of them had much patience left with which to oil the gears of their partnership. Amanda could hardly look at Olivia's face at this point, and she prayed that the search would go quickly. She wanted out of New Jersey, away from the cramped spaces, away from Olivia. Her control was dangling by bare threads and each moment next to Olivia stretched them even tighter.

Amanda was relieved when the New Jersey cop who was leading the search took the lead.

They slammed into the house, immediately spreading throughout the small apartment like flies on honey.

Amanda went to the bedroom first. He would want these close to him, in privacy. They were the only memories of his daughter.

Amanda stepped inside the bedroom, gazing over the cluttered space. The bed was a thin mattress on a metal frame that sank almost all the way to the floor. The sheets probably hadn't been washed in months.

She turned over the pillow before sliding her hand into the case. When that turned up nothing, she lifted the mattress all the way.

“Where is it?” She mumbled to herself as she began to strip the sheets off the bed. When the pictures didn't fall out she glanced around at other possible hiding places. There was a small side table next to the bed with a framed photo of his wife and child, no doubt from happier times. Amanda scoffed and flipped the picture over.

Sitting down on the bed, she opened the door to the lower compartment. A hoard of magazines were precariously stacked to the ceiling of the cabinet and Amanda pulled out the top one.

“How predictable.” She muttered at the raunchy image of a woman who could've passed as a teenage dressed in little girl's clothing. She flipped through the pages, but nothing fell from between the pages. She grabbed another and another, repeating the same process. She tried to ignore the images that caught her eyes.

“Find anything?” Olivia's voice cracked her concentration.

“No.” Amanda said shortly, barely looking up. “Just a bunch of sick magazines about pedophile fantasies. But nothing illegal...unfortunately.”

Olivia's presence hovered closer and Amanda finally looked up to see Olivia lifting the picture of Melissa and Sara.

“Isn't that pathetic?” Amanda said, snatching another magazine.

“He wants them close.” Olivia murmured.

“What?” Amanda asked, glancing up once more.

“This is the only picture of his family in the apartment.” Olivia noted.

She flipped the frame over and began to pry open the back. When it slid free, Olivia's brows rose.

“What is it?” Amanda asked, rising from the bed.

“We can stop the search now.” Olivia turned the frame towards Amanda, revealing the pictures stacked beneath the one in the front. Amanda snatched them from Olivia, her fingers nearly shaking as she flipped through them. There were at least a dozen, featuring Sara in various stages of undress. The images burned against Amanda's eyes and she could feel her stomach churning.

“Son of a bitch.” She whispered, sucking in a breath. She shoved the frame back into Olivia's hands and turned away, running her fingers into her hair.

“Are you okay?” Olivia asked, softly.

“Are you okay when you look at those?” Amanda snapped.

“Not necessarily.” Olivia replied.

Amanda pressed her eyes shut against tears. She was just tired, overextended, emotionally over worked….

“Amanda.” Olivia's voice was close to her and when she opened her eyes, Olivia was in front of her, her brows furrowed in concern. “It's late. Why don't we book a hotel and drive back tomorrow.”

Her voice was gentle but the words drove panic into her chest.

“No…” Amanda shook her head, quickly. “No, no.” She repeated, rubbing her hands down over her face.

She couldn't spend another night with Olivia...She didn't know what would happen but she knew it wouldn't be good.

“Yes.” Olivia insisted. “Neither of us are in the state of mind to be making a two hour drive.”

Amanda opened her mouth in shock that Olivia would force the situation. “You can't force me to stay here.” She retorted, although her tone lacked vigor.

“I can and I will.” Olivia stepped past her, pictures in hand, as she left the room.

Amanda watched her go, blinking and mute in surprise. After the day they'd had, following that confession in the car, Amanda had expected her to be genteel and meek but as usual Lieutenant Benson was back with the roar of a lion.

A shiver stole through her, compounding the apprehension that rose in her chest. The night stretched ahead of her, holding the promise of being just as long and harrowing, if not more so, than the day; and there was nothing she could do to escape it.


	3. Chapter 3

The hotel bar was small and hosted cheap beer and wine but Amanda wasn't one to complain too much about the quality of her alcohol. She'd spent plenty of nights, as a teenager, hanging out by the lake with her friends, lounging in the back of the pickup with the cheapest beer they could find. Her worries then seemed far away and small. 

Amanda had walked down to the bar alone while Olivia disappeared into the bathroom. The shower had turned on not too long after and Amanda figured that she knew when she wasn't wanted somewhere.

Sitting alone, drinking, however, wasn't as therapeutic as it had seemed when she had left the hotel room. It was just her and her thoughts and they never shut up.

Her mind went over how she had ended up here a dozen times. She'd pushed herself up from the pits of meek submission and shown her strength to Olivia, only to find herself on her knees again at her own behest. That drunken night in Olivia's apartment had thrown everything off her plotted course towards forcing Olivia to pay for what she'd done.

Considering she'd been drunk that night, it didn't seem logical to be sitting here at the bar again but Amanda didn't know how else to get through the night. She needed to drown her overworked senses in the dulling effect of the alcohol.

“Amanda.” Olivia's voice suddenly jarred her.

Amanda spun on the bar stool, nearing spilling her drink, “Jesus, you fucking scared me.” She snapped, grasping her pounding chest.

“I'm sorry.” Olivia eased onto the stool next to her.

Her hair was slightly wet from the shower and the smell of her shampoo was fresh against Amanda's senses. She swallowed hard and stared down at her drink. She wasn't drunk enough for this. Hell, she was barely buzzed.

“What do you want?” Amanda sighed, trying to mask the groan in her voice.

“I'm just checking on you.” Olivia replied. “I thought I'd find you here.”

“And you think I can't control myself?” Amanda asked, sharply, side eyeing her quickly.

“I didn't say that.” Olivia's eyes narrowed.

“But you're thinking it “ Amanda said, derisively.

She took another gulp of the beer, barely hiding a cringe as it washed down her throat. “You're always thinking it.”

“Amanda -” Olivia began and Amanda could already hear the condescending tone bleeding into voice.

“Just stop okay?” Amanda so spun towards her with a sharp motion of her hands. “Why can't you ever just stop trying to be the savior for one fucking second?”

Olivia drew back, her brows furrowed. “I'm not.”

“Yes.” Amanda retorted. “You are. If you didn't, we wouldn't be here. I didn't need to be saved.” She could feel emotion choking her but she pushed back against the urge to cry. She'd cried enough. “I was a  _ great _ detective before you started fucking with my head.”

Olivia finally didn't answer, but her eyes held all the pain and shock that Amanda hoped they would.

“Now look at me.” She whispered. “I can't go a day without thinking about you. I can't stop crying when I'm alone and smoking all the cigarettes in the world doesn't make it stop.”

Olivia's features twisted under the weight of emotion and Amanda could see the gloss of tears glaze her amber gaze. It wasn't close to the level of agony that Amanda wanted to force upon her.

“I can't do my job anymore. This whole fucking case… All I've been able to do is follow you around...just hoping you'd look back and  _ see _ me.” She jabbed a finger at her chest as a tear of anger slipped hot down her cheek. “I wish you would've just treated me like a real person. From the beginning.”

Olivia turned away slowly, resting her elbows on the bar and pressing her forehead against her palms. She didn't reply. She silently took the verbal lashing, her eyes fixed on her lap.

“But you didn't.” Amanda rubbed the back of her hand quickly over her moist cheek. “You  _ took _ me and  _ twisted _ me for your own desires. And now….you give me no choice but to feel the same way…” Her voice ended in a whisper.

Olivia glanced over at her, a tear slipping from her lower lashes. “I'm sorry.” She whispered.

Amanda rose from the bar stool with a scoff. “Sorry doesn't cut it, Liv.”

She tossed a few dollars down on the bar and turned away, her head lowered to hide her flushed face from the rest of the patrons. She weaved through the small set of tables and headed towards the elevator. She punched the button and waited, her hands clenched tightly into fists.

The doors were just sliding open when she heard quick footsteps behind her. She gave a long sigh without turning. She already knew Olivia would follow her. Somehow they were two opposite magnets that always ended up back together no matter how much distance was between them.

Amanda boarded the elevator as Olivia caught her arm.

“Amanda, wait.” Her voice was low and thick with emotion but it did little to move Amanda's resolve.

How many times had Amanda come to Olivia, begging and crying, only to be met by a cold, stern response? She wouldn't crack underneath this meaningless grovel. She'd hardened her armor since six months ago.

Amanda pushed the button for their floor and hardly cast a glance towards Olivia. She stared resolutely at the wall of the elevator, her jaw clenched.

“What can I do?” Olivia asked, gripping her arm with both hands.

“Maybe there's nothing you can do.” Amanda returned, finally turning a cold, arctic gaze towards Olivia's molton, brown eyes.

Olivia took in a breath sharply, and Amanda could see the rush of tears fill her eyes. Satisfaction cut a harsh, frigid path across Amanda's heart at the desperation in her eyes.

This was it. She'd finally reached the point that she'd longed for - where she didn't care anymore. Olivia's begging couldn't move her, and her own desire for love would not control her. This was the point of no return and it was here, in the 11th hour, that Olivia finally made her desperate plea. It was all just a little too late.

Amanda scoffed and ripped her arm from Olivia's trembling fingers. “Don't look so surprised….You had so many chances to make this right and you threw every single one in the dirt.”

“You were never going to be satisfied until we were together.” Olivia said, her voice quivering on the verge of collapse. “I couldn't give that to you.”

“And something has changed?” Amanda demanded. “What do you hope to give me to pacify me? Would you sacrifice your career?” She made a sound of disgust in her throat and shook her head, “No. I hardly think so.”

“Please…” Olivia's voice lowered. “I don't want it to be this way between us.”

“And what way would you have it, huh?” Amanda asked. “Like it was before? Where you had me believing that was all I deserved from you?”

“No…” Olivia lowered her head. “I just don't want you to hate me.”

“I do hate you.” Amanda nodded. “But you want to know the truth?”

Olivia lifted her head slowly, her wide, wet eyes blinking quickly.

“When you drove up on the side of that ditch last week….And you walked up to me for the first time in six months…..There was a part of me that still loved you.” Amanda looked away with a cynical laugh, “And now...this is the first and the last time I'll ever tell you that.”

The elevator dinged and the doors slid open slowly. Amanda strode out into the long, cool hallway. She didn't look back, but this time she didn't feel Olivia following her or hear her footsteps. She didn't glance back until she was to the hotel room door to find the hallway empty.

She was alone.

~~~~

Amanda slowly roused from sleep only a couple of hours later at the sound of the door unlatching.

She's fallen onto the bed and released a few tears of frustration and anger, her fist pummelling the bed and the pillow, before exhaustion had dragged her down against the soft sheets.

Amanda opened her eyes slowly as sleep still tugged at the back of her mind. She was lying on her side, facing the door and she could see Olivia's figure easing the door shut. She stood there by the door for a long moment, quiet.

“What are you doing?” Amanda asked, breaking the silence.

Olivia jumped, her wide eyes snapping over to Amanda. She swallowed hard, her breathing heavy.

“Nothing.”

Amanda sat up quickly and turned on the side table lamp. Illumination flooded the room, causing Olivia to squint.

“Where were you?” Amanda asked, arching a brow.

“Thinking.” Olivia said softly, pushing away from the door.

Amanda had expected her to be peeved by Amanda's questions and invasive behavior but she didn't seem to notice. She walked over to the bed and sat down at the end, only a couple of feet from Amanda.

“I was thinking about everything you've said to me since seeing me again.”

“I told you it's too late.” Amanda said, gripping a section of the bed sheet tightly.

“Every time you said you wanted to hurt me...a part of me didn't believe you.” Olivia went on, ignoring Amanda's statement. “At least...I didn't think you'd get close enough to break my heart.”

Amanda swallowed, not having a response to this. She was angry, but not angry enough to not be shocked by Olivia's words. To her, Olivia was untouchable, a fortress of high, impenetrable walls. Even when Amanda raged on with violent desires, she'd never thought she'd actually be able to follow through.

Olivia rose slowly from the bed, her back turned. Amanda watched her arms rise in front of her, her heart knocking against her chest as long moments of silence passed. At last, Olivia unlatched the last button on her blouse and pulled it back from her shoulders. The starched shirt slipped down her arms, revealing inches of bare, tanned flesh.

Amanda swallowed hard, the only function her frozen body would allow.

Olivia turned slowly, tossing the shirt to the side. Her breasts rose and fell heavily against the tight confines of her bra - baby blue, outlining her cleavage in lace. Amanda watched her trembling fingers begin to unbuckle her belt.

“I think now...that you really do want to hurt me.” Olivia whispered, her tone rough. “But I didn't want to accept that because…” Her trembling tone broke off for a moment and she pressed her eyes shut. She swallowed thickly before continuing, “...because I'd never considered putting myself in that position.”

“You mean in a position to be punished.” Amanda said, her voice escaping the tight confines of her throat.

Olivia nodded, her tongue darting quickly across her lower lip. “I did things to you that I wouldn't let someone do to me.”

Amanda rose from the bed, her knees trembling at first. Her body was beating at a low drum, rising to a tenor of desire from the deep recesses of her mind and the aching confines of her heart.

“You said there's nothing I can do to make you forgive me.” Olivia whispered as Amanda stepped close to her, their bodies almost touching. “But maybe I can find a way to absolve this guilt…”

They were both breathing heavily, inhaling and exhaling in a disjointed harmony that didn't yet have a melody.

Amanda grabbed Olivia's jaw, suddenly, her fingers tight and biting against the tender flesh. She pulled their faces close, their lips barely brushing.

“What are you offering up to me?” Amanda demanded, her voice raspy through clenched teeth.

Olivia's eyes squinted against bright tears, her breath wavering, “My body….if you want it.”

“And what makes you think I want it?” Amanda shook her, and it felt so good to finally do it.

“The look in your eyes…” Olivia whispered. “I know it…”

Amanda could feel her tremble beneath the power of her grip and a dark pleasure surged through her veins. She could feign disgust all she wanted, but Olivia was right… She wanted this...More than anything she wanted to crush her beneath the weight of her anger. She wanted to demolish her will until she was nothing but a mess of pain and tears, begging at her feet.

“Please…” Olivia whispered, her voice mangled in emotion. “I want you to.”

“You'll beg me to stop.” Amanda hissed. “But I won't.”

Olivia's eyes squeezed shut, a tear welling up from between her lids but Amanda felt no pity, no inclination to show her any mercy.

Amanda slid her hand down Olivia's neck, her palm dragging over her breast and stomach. Her fingers found the cold metal buckle dangling from Olivia's pants and she wrapped her fingers around it, shuddering from pure anticipation. She twisted the belt once about her hand and yanked it from the loops, causing the leather to whip through the air with a crack.

Olivia shuddered, her breath jarring from her throat in a halting rhythm.

“Turn around.” Amanda ordered, her voice husky. Her pulse slammed against her throat, heady arousal mixed with adrenaline twisting through her veins.

When Olivia didn't move fast enough, she grabbed her arm, her fingers digging into the tender underside of her forearm as she pushed her towards the bed. Olivia stumbled with the force of it and Amanda shoved her down. They tumbled to the bed with Olivia on her face and Amanda leaning down over her, squeezing her hair tight at the scalp.

“You used me so many times like this…” Her voice trembled, but she didn't try to conceal it. She wanted Olivia to hear the pain in her voice. She wanted her to hear the anger.

“I know…” Olivia whispered, emitting a groan as Amanda pulled her hair taut.

“Don't speak.” Amanda ordered, tossing her hair away and her face into mattress. Olivia quivered beneath her but she didn't resist.

Amanda rose up on her knees above her, gazing down the length of Olivia's half naked body. There wasn't nearly enough bare flesh. Although she supposed the sweet curves and planes of Olivia's back would serve her well, she wanted the even sweeter piece of her that was covered in slim, black slacks.

She laid the belt down on the bed and sank down behind her. She fixed her fingers under the waistband of the pants and yanked them down quickly. She could hear the seams tear as she forced the material down her thighs. She gazed over the barely covered curves of Olivia's buttocks before she grabbed a fistful of the panties and tore them down, shredding one side.

Olivia gasped softly, her body clenching against the sheets. Her fingers curled in the sheets, her face buried in the folds of material.

The visceral reactions plunged adrenaline through Amanda's veins. Her entire body was screaming with the high of power and control in a way she'd never felt before. Her heart drummed for the sole purpose of ravaging Olivia's body until she was bruised and raw.

Amanda grabbed up the belt once more, grasping the buckle and the lip of it in her hand so that it hung in a loop from her hand. Her palm sweat against the leather and she could hardly stay the tremor that vibrated through her.

Here Olivia was in front of her as she had fantasized so many times before - naked and weeping, bent over for a punishment that was well earned. She deserved more lashes than Amanda could dare imagine, and she wanted nothing more than to watch the bruises rise to her flesh until she screamed. Maybe if it had come to this earlier, she would’ve reached deep into her heart, where she loved Olivia more than she’d ever loved anyone, she would’ve found way to show her mercy; but now… She didn’t feel anything. She’d finally held onto rage long enough for it to be her singular motivation.

“You can cry if you want.” Amanda said, her voice emitting in a dark, gravelly tone, “You can scream… You can even fight… But  _  don’t _ ….” She paused, drawing the belt slowly across Olivia’s quaking flesh, “..beg me for mercy.”

She slammed her hand down between Olivia’s shoulder blades, pinning her, and brought the belt down in the first hard lash. The belt arched through the air before making contact in a sickening crack. For so long she had associated that sound with pain, but when she felt Olivia buck beneath her, pleasure tingled across her senses.

_ Crack _ ! The sound of leather against flesh echoed across the room again, followed by a choked, muffled cry.

Amanda’s heart thudded against the walls of her chest and she could feel the tremble that shook her hands as she watched the welts rise across the tender swells of Olivia’s ass. She wasn’t holding back, no, not for a second. She channelled every single second of pain and heartbreak she’d felt in the last six months into the punishing, unforgiving lash of the belt.

“Remember when you kissed me for the first time?” She panted, her voice straining against tears as she slammed the belt down to finalize the question.

Olivia sobbed into the sheets, her body arching against the bed. Her fingers tore at the sheets against the pain of the beating but Amanda only leaned on her harder.

“Remember when you  _ touched _ me in the elevator?” Amanda demanded, her arm swinging.

The belt whipped across her flesh, curling around the curve of her hip. Olivia twisted, another strangled cry answering Amanda’s burning questions. She could feel Olivia shaking beneath her, but her pain couldn’t possibly amount to the agony that Amanda had suffered.

“Remember when you made love to me?” Amanda breathed, “All fucking night….?”

_ Crack! _

“You made me think I had a fucking chance.” Her voice rose, scratching from her throat with pent up emotion that she’d buried deep. Her eyes burned, but she didn’t want to cry anymore.

_ Crack! _

“Then you turned around and threatened me if I ever came near you again.”

She thrashed the belt across Olivia’s harshly inflamed flesh, seeking a fresh patch to inflict new pain upon. Soon, she’d return to the oldest wounds and she would lash them again, to remind her that no matter how long it had been, it would always still hurt. It would fucking burn forever.

“Do you remember all of that?” She rasped through gritted teeth, a single tear slipping from her eye.

Olivia’s body shuddered with sobs, her voice rising with shaking cries that wrent from her throat with savage anguish, but still, she didn’t fight.

“Now, you come back and you think that  _ sorry  _ makes everything okay?” Amanda’s voice trembled, infused with the pain and frustration of months upon months. “God, I hate you so much.”

She drew back, standing over Olivia’s prone, broken figure, and used the entire leverage of her body to bring the belt down across buttocks and legs. The image blurred in front of her but she didn’t stop. The belt fell over and over again, flesh against leather ringing sharply against the four walls. Olivia jerked beneath each blow, her cries punctuating the silence between each lashing. Her long, trembling fingers spread out across the sheets, grasping desperately at sections as if to pull herself away from the excruciating pain but she couldn't escape. This time there was no room for her to squirm her way out of this unyielding retribution.

Every single moment of their affair flashed before Amanda’s eyes, fueling the fire of her rage. Every lonely night, filled with heartbreak urged her pulverize Olivia’s flesh. Every humiliating thing she’d ever done to earn Olivia’s love pushed her to incinerate Olivia’s heart in the cauldron of her anger.

She thrashed the belt across Olivia’s flesh until crisscrossing welts submerged into one burning, bruised mass of pain and she could hardly see through the tears that filled her eyes. She continued until her arm ached and her rage finally began to wither into simmering ashes along with the rest of her most deeply felt desires.

A strange, gasping, sobbing noise filled her ears as she sank back against the wall, the belt dangling from her trembling hand. Her chest heaved, jarring her to realize that it was her own throat that emitted the cries. She gasped in a breath against the sob and bent over, releasing her breath in a scream of frustration. Her throat turned raw as she clenched her hands into fists and screamed until her face throbbed with the heat of her agony and her strength dwindled into nothing.

Finally, the room fell silent.

Amanda tossed the belt to the side, bracing her hands on her knees as she tried to breath through the quaking of her body. Her chest ached and her lungs felt tight with each sharp inhale.

“I loved you.” She whispered bitterly, lifting her head at last. “Do you hear me?” Her voice rose as she mustered the last of her will. “I  _ loved _ you, goddamnit.”

Olivia pushed herself up slowly, her head bent. Her cheeks were flushed with tears, her eyes swimming with sadness that finally jarred Amanda deep within. She was broken. Amanda has witnessed that look a hundred times, every time she passed a mirror. She'd finally achieved her darkest desire of making Olivia experience of all her heart ache and pain in one, single night of revenge...but it was here that Amanda finally wanted to grab her and kiss her, ravage her mouth until she understood. It was here that her resolve slipped, giving way to the hopeless feelings that she knew were still buried in her, somewhere dark and deep.

Amanda pushed away from the wall and grabbed Olivia’s face, her palm dragging over her cheek and clutching her. Olivia’s gaze fluttered up to hers, her deep, brown eyes finally opening with depths of meaning that Amanda had never glimpsed beyond Olivia’s guarded gaze.

“I loved you…” Amanda repeated, twin tears trailing down her cheeks.

Olivia's lips trembled and she whispered, slowly, brokenly, “I love you too.”

Amanda stared back at her, her heart slowly picking up its pace again, thumping hard with singular, distinct beats. Her ears rang softly at first and then louder, and she could feel a shiver steal across her body. She felt like her heart would burst open, suddenly, because she already felt so much… and she didn’t think she could take this, Olivia’s final confession.

“Don’t say that…” Amanda whispered, her voice cracking.

She gave Olivia's face a hard shake. She wanted to slap her, to turn her away from this path. She knew where it lead, and there was nothing but destruction in that future. She wanted to hurt her for holding on to those words until now, when there was nothing between them but anger and violence.

Olivia didn’t speak, but rather grabbed onto Amanda’s arm, anchoring her against her. Amanda’s fingers dug into her jaw as she tried to still the tremble in her hands.

“You can’t say that…” Amanda shook her head, a tear spilling down her cheek. She slumped forward, her head pressing against Olivia's as the reality of the moment, and the preceding events, weighed down upon her like a thousand bricks. “Not after what I just did.”

“I’d do it again...” Olivia whispered, her voice raspy from crying. “I’ll lay here a hundred more times if you’ll just….” Her voice broke off, and she turned her face away.

Amanda released her, stepping back quickly. Her mind was reeling and she didn’t know where to begin to right herself.

“I… I need to go.” She whispered.

She turned suddenly and strode towards the door. Her mind was screaming at her to escape before she did something she couldn’t take back.

“Amanda, wait…” Olivia’s ragged voice begging her, but Amanda grabbed the door handle and stepped out into the hallway.

Once the door was shut, she ran towards the elevator. When it hit the bottom floor, she flew out across the lobby and to the door. The night surrounded her and she didn’t look back.


	4. Chapter 4

The sound of the ocean breaking against the shore washed continually across Amanda's ears, bringing the scent of the sea to her nose. Her shoes hung from one hand, a cigarette burning in the other.

Her feet squished through the sand as she walked along the shore. In the dark, away from the city lights, she could see the stars dazzling across the sky.

As calming as the scene was, she couldn't quite still the pounding of her heart nor quiet the racing of her brain. Thoughts tumbled in a circle through her mind, the events of the night following closely after.

She'd been on the beach for at least an hour and her feet were growing cold from the sand and the lap of the water. She hadn't brought a jacket and despite the warmth of the summer, the chill of the ocean breeze cut across her.

She was sucking the last of the cigarette when she noticed another figure walking down the shoreline. Even at this distance, the shape and stride was utterly familiar.

_ How the fuck did she find me? _

Amanda flicked her cigarette to the ground and ducked her head as she picked up her pace across the beach.

When they were close enough, Amanda lifted her head and spread her hands, “Can't you leave me alone for just one second?”

“Neither of us have ever been good at that.” Olivia replied. In the moonlight, her eyes shone with the reflection of the stars and her long, auburn tresses danced across her face and about her neck.

Amanda glanced out across the ocean and snatched another cigarette from her pack. She clenched it between her lips and shielded the tip with her hand as she lit it. The breeze whipped past her, attempting to extinguish the flame but she finally succeeded at lighting up.

“How'd you find me?” Amanda asked, taking a drag of the cigarette.

“I'm a cop.” Olivia replied, her face turning towards the sea.

“Seriously.” Amanda narrowed her eyes at her. “I didn't bring my cell, so you didn't track my GPS.”

Olivia met her eyes with a tilted head, “I don't need GPS to find you.” She said softly.

Amanda clenched her teeth and wrapped one arm around herself to hide the quiver in her hands as she sucked down another hit of nicotine.

“Why do you even want to talk to me?” She whispered.

For a moment, the only sound on the beach was the crash of waves chasing over each other towards their feet, as if it could reach them and pull them away together.

“Do you mind?” Olivia asked, reaching for the cigarette. At first, Amanda thought she might put it out and lecture her on the dangers of smoking but instead she put it to her own lips. Amanda had never seen Olivia so much as look at a cigarette.

When Olivia handed it back, she smiled softly at the look of shock on Amanda's face, “I used to smoke in college and a lot more than just nicotine.”

“What?” Amanda felt a laugh bubble up on her lips, and although it felt foreign in this moment, she didn't fight the break in the depressing nature of their conversation.

“My mother was a professor.” Olivia continued. “I reached the peak of my rebellion against her after she told me about my conception…. I didn't enjoy the things I did to spite her, but rather her reactions…”

Her voice trailed away and Amanda's heart clenched in her chest. She'd spent enough of her life rebelling against some authority figure or another to know exactly what Olivia was talking about.

“I never enjoyed disobeying you either.” She murmured, shocking even herself at the admission.

“I know.” Olivia returned. “But I did expect that you did it for the same reasons I smoked pot and dated my mother's students.”

Amanda shook her head, staring down at the water, “I made myself complicit because it was all I had.”

Olivia quieted for a moment before murmuring, “I meant what I said.”

“About what?” Amanda asked through the growing tightness in her throat.

Her heart ached to hope but she knew this otherworldly moment here on the beach didn't change anything. Once they arrived back at the hotel room, they'd have to return to reality.

“I loved you then and I love you now.” Olivia said, quietly. “I don't know how long it will take you to forgive me...if you ever do...but -”

“Stop.” Amanda held up her hand, before taking a long drag to calm her racing heart. She rubbed her fingers against her aching temples and breathed out the smoke in one long rush.

Finally, she turned to look at Olivia's strained gaze. “What do you want from me?” She demanded with sharp motion of her hand.

Olivia drew back, her lips parting to speak. “I…” She began, “I just want to…-”

“Want me to put myself through another horrendous six months trying to forgive you and forget everything that's happened?” Amanda asked. “What if it's not worth it?”

“It seemed worth it when I was lying on my face in that hotel room.” Olivia returned, throwing a hand back in the direction of the city

“Yeah,” Amanda nodded, cynically, “It always seemed worth it to me when I was taking it too.”

“And I threw that away.” Olivia admitted, her tone trembling as she grabbed Amanda's arms, pulling them into alignment. “I know that was a mistake.”

Amanda didn't resist her hold but she looked away, to hide the mist of tears in her eyes, “You waited until it was too late.”

Olivia's hands slid up her arms to clasp her face, turning her face towards her, “I don't accept that.”

Amanda tossed her cigarette to the ground along with her shoes and grabbed Olivia's wrists with a shake.

“You don't have a choice.” She said through gritted teeth.

“I chose to turn my back on you.” Olivia whispered, her eyes glistening in the pewter light, “I won't do it again.”

She pressed forward and their lips crashed into contact, sending Amanda reeling. Her fingers dug into Olivia's wrists but Olivia held her face steady to hers, her mouth moving desperately across Amanda's. Her lips were warm and soft, luring her into the passionate exchange.

Amanda moaned, frustrated by the way her emotions tugged her back and forth. She squeezed, Olivia's wrists, pulling her closer with a forceful tug. She bit back at Olivia's lips, catching her lower lip and sucking hard at the tender flesh.

The sound of their panting and the moist embrace of their mouths rose above the roar of the ocean and the white static that filled Amanda's ears. The heat of the kiss trickled the familiar arousal down her stomach, between her legs, and she pulled back sharply.

“No…” She panted, pushing Olivia's arms away. “You don't get to do this.”

Olivia's hands remained poised, reaching out to her, her full lips trembling and flushed from the kiss.

“You don't get to just waltz back in here and flatter me now! Not after everything you did.” Amanda breathed, “You don't get to be romantic and caring now.”

She shook her head and reached down to grab her shoes. She shoved past Olivia and marched across the beach, towards the city.

“I told you I'd give you whatever you want.” Olivia trailed after her, following close until Amanda spun around.

“If you think one beating makes up for everything you ever did to me….” Amanda shook her head with scoff, “You are  _ so _ wrong.”

Olivia clasped her hands, her brows drawing together tightly, “What else do you want?” She whispered.

Amanda stared at her wide, desperate eyes and her pleading stance, her heart thudding in her chest. She remembered being in this position so many times, wondering exactly what combination of sex and devotion would win Olivia’s heart, knowing that even as she tried so hard, she wasn’t in control of her actions. An angry, vengeful voice in her head reminded her that she could say almost anything and Olivia would do it. The tables were turned now; the power lay in Amanda’s hands, but she wasn’t sure she even knew what to do with it. She had thought she did….

“Did you bring the car?” Amanda asked, quietly, at last, ignoring Olivia’s question.

“Yes.” Olivia said, stepping a foot closer.

“Let’s go.” Amanda said, turning once more to head back in the direction Olivia had come.

She trudged through the sand, her head lowered against the gusts of wind that rolled in from the open waters. The breeze tugged at her as if to persuade her to stay here on the beach, to momentarily forget… But as much as Amanda's heart wanted her to be convinced, her mind was not.

They reached the car where it was parked at an angle on the sandy dunes and Amanda grabbed the passenger's side door handle, waiting for it to unlock.

She gasped softly when Olivia's hands settled on her waist, her body pressing close. Amanda struggled to turn but Olivia's arms wound around her, her face pressing to the nape of her neck.

“What are you doing?” Amanda demanded, haltingly. “I told you stop.”

“Let me give you what you want.” Olivia murmured, her breath whispering warm across Amanda's flesh, causing a rush of chills to overtake her.

“You don't know what I want.” Amanda insisted, grabbing Olivia's arms in an attempt to squirm free.

“You want me to touch you.” Olivia fingers clenched Amanda's shirt, her arms squeezing tight around her.

“No…” Amanda panted, her heartbeat chugging heavily, pumping a quick, nearly undetectable trickle of arousal through her bloodstream.

“You've wanted it since we saw each other again.” Olivia whispered, her voice breaking with passion. “I wanted to touch you that night in my apartment but you were drunk….I couldn't…” Her voice was choked, her fingers grasping as Amanda's flesh through her clothing.

“So you chose to punish me instead.” She snapped, pushing at Olivia's arms once more, her feet slipping in the sand but Olivia's hold was solid.

“This time….you can throw me down…” Olivia panted, pushing forward against Amanda's struggling body and pinning her to the car. Her motions were demanding despite her promising words and Amanda groaned out in frustration.

“Let go of me!” She demanded, digging her short nails into Olivia's arms as deeply as she could to force her back. When Olivia's arms slipped, Amanda pushed her away and spun around.

“I just beat the hell out of you and you're asking for more?!” She shouted, throwing out her hands. Her voice carried away in the wind as a wave crashed against the beach with a roar.

Olivia panted, her hair billowing around her desperate expression. “I told you I wouldn't let you go.” She whispered, stepping forward. Her hands dragged softly over Amanda's arms this time as she slowly sank to her knees in the sand in front of her.

“No…” Amanda whispered, shaking her head. “Don't...stop…”

Her mind was screaming. She knew what was coming and maybe a part of her wanted it more than she dared to admit.

Olivia leaned forward, her hands anchoring to Amanda's hips as her face pressed against Amanda's groin. Her mouth assaulted her with hot breaths, and her fingers sought beneath the waistband of Amanda's pants.

“Make me stop…” Olivia whispered, her voice marked with desire, “Or make me fuck you...I don't care…”

Amanda panted in several breaths, her pulse rushing in her ears as her body slowly flooded with ever growing desire. Feelings and fantasies that she'd kept under lock and key burgeoned from the dungeons of her heart, rearing their insistent heads.

Amanda grabbed Olivia's hair, her fingers twisting through the soft, thick strands as a loud, strangled groan ripped from her throat. Olivia's mouth was hardly upon her, and she could already feel wetness gushing from her. Her body squeezed and shuddered, threatening her with a pleasure that far too hard to ignore. She could feel herself breaking under the pressure of what had always been bound to happen.

Perhaps it was Fate that had driven them to this beach.

Amanda let out another groan, this one low in her throat as her desires surged into action. Adrenaline pushed through her veins and she grabbed Olivia's by the arm, while one hand stayed clenched in her hair. She pulled Olivia around, slamming her up against the side of the car and straddled her body.

“You're going to shut up.” She hissed, shaking Olivia's hair, harshly.

Olivia's head lolled back against the door, her eyes half lidded as she panted softly. Amanda shook, her breath ghosting from her lungs at her vixen-like display. She appeared like a siren from the sea, her full lips parted and wet, begging to be fucked raw.

Amanda's fingers trembled as she released Olivia's arm in order to wrangle her pants open. Olivia's lustful hands grasped at the material, dragging the pants down her legs before tearing at her panties. The cotton material was soaked through at the center by the time they slipped from her hips.

Olivia whimpered, her wide eyes darting across Amanda's naked flesh. Her fingers scratched over Amanda's hips to draw her closer and Amanda hardly had the sense of mind to control her actions.

Amanda wrenched her fingers tighter in Olivia's hair and pushed her head back against the car just hard enough to shock her.

“You're not in control here.” Amanda growled through gritted teeth.

Her knees were trembling and she knew that she could just as soon find herself in the sand next to Olivia. Memories of just how overwhelming Olivia's mouth could be between her legs taunted her, reminding her that this entire beach side tryst was an illusion to something much deeper and darker.

“Fuck me…” Olivia whispered, her words as taunting as the voices in Amanda's head. “Fuck my face...I want you to come on my mouth…”

“Shut up.” Amanda hissed, grabbing Olivia's face with her other hand. Her fingers dug into her cheeks, plumping her lips in the frame of her hand.

Olivia stared at her with those damning, burning eyes, her voice emitting low and enticing, “Fuck me raw, Amanda, I want it….”

“I said shut up.” Amanda shook her, her hands shaking.

“I know you want to fuck me…” Olivia's eyes narrowed, intuitively seeking out the weakness in Amanda's gaze. “Come on….do it… I want y-”

Amanda slapped her. Hard.

Her hand drew back and cracked back down upon her cheek before the actions had fully formed in her head, but when her palm burned with the contact, she couldn't discern the satisfaction from the horror that drove through her.

Olivia's face turned away sharply, a gasp rising from her lips.

“I said  _ shut up _ .” Her voice trembled in the verge of collapse.

Olivia grasped her face which was blooming red across her cheekbone. She panted heavily, her mouth parted in shock as she rubbed her tingling flesh.

Amanda stood over her, her fist squeezing Olivia's hair. She dragged her back and pushed her hand from her inflamed cheek. Grasping her jaw, Amanda forced Olivia's face to her groin.

“You're going to fuck me,” She whispered, “And you're going to stay on your knees until I say you're done.”

Olivia gasped against her, her breath gusting hot across Amanda's quivering labia. Her hands trembled as she grasped Amanda's hips, pulling her in to complete the contact.

Amanda shuddered as Olivia's lips pressed fully against her before parting to suck her swollen clitoris inside the hot, slick embrace of her mouth.

After so many months of longing and pining for the companionship of Olivia's body, Amanda's body lurched wildly at the completion of her desires and dreams. It was just as she remembered - breathtaking, heart wrenching, oh so fulfilling... an addiction that came in above all of her other hedonistic tendencies.

She ducked her head against her chest, breathing in heavily through her nose as the pleasure ratcheted higher. Any desire to issue further commands became locked inside her throat and all she could do was grasp at Olivia's hair and face in pleasure.

Olivia's hands dragged from her hips to her ass, her long fingers grasping at the pliable flesh as her tongue emerged. Amanda bucked against her, failing to control the desperate motions of her body as Olivia's tongue dragged up from between her soaked slit to her clit. Her senses screamed as Olivia's tongue began to circle the engorged flesh, branding pleasure into her with each movement.

“Oh, god…” Amanda strangled cries ripped from her throat as a wave of pleasure washed over her, threatening her with orgasm. Her sweating palm dragged across Olivia's hair, attempting to slow down the assault of pleasure, but Oliva held her fast.

_ No, god, no...fuck… _ Amanda's brain rattled her with curses, degrading her for not asserting her control. She wasn't even in control of her own body at this point, much less Olivia's.

Olivia pulled her closer for every inch that she attempted to regain, her fingers bearing down tight on Amanda's buttocks with an iron hold. Her mouth sucked down upon Amanda's clitoris, unrelenting. Amanda nearly screamed as the pleasure surged towards the persuasion of Olivia's mouth.

“Fuck….” Amanda groaned out, her breaths blasting from her mouth in strained pants between the bursts of curses.

Her vocalizations seemed to only spur Olivia on and her tongue pressed hot against Amanda's pussy, dipping into the wetness between her lips before rising to her clit once more. Amanda bit down hard on her lip to mask a cry as Olivia's tongue resumed the circling motion, only this time harder and faster.

“Jesus...fuck…” Amanda panted, her knees shaking harder as her body bowed beneath the weight of pleasure. She released Olivia in order to grab onto the car to steady herself. Her pompous claims of control were slowly being dragged away, slipping right into Olivia's waiting hands.

_ I'm gonna fuck you up so good for this… _ Her vengeful thoughts were far from making it to her lips but as she squeezed her eyes shut against the beginnings of climax, but she imagined exactly what she could do to Olivia.

The lure of Olivia's tongue finally crashed through the last barrier of Amanda's self control, dragging the pleasure sharply up through her body, shaking her to her very core. She could hardly move, aside from the involuntary shudders that wracked her body, as the the climax rose to engulf her.

Out there, where the ocean lapped at the shore, the waves rose in song, rolling and crashing with the tide, succumbing to the pull of the moon overhead; and like the sea, Amanda had no choice but to follow the call of her body. There was nowhere to hide from these instinctual response or desires and like the moon Olivia pulled her away with all the gravity of the stars in the sky.

Amanda sank against the car, her body shivering and twitching with the last of the pleasure. Her knees were giving way and she struggled to remain upright, but soon Olivia was dragging her down into her lap. The last thing Amanda wanted was to be cuddled in Olivia's arms like a child but there was something about the way that her arms wrapped around her that she couldn't deny.

Their panted, exhausted breaths joined together as Amanda crumpled in Olivia's arms. She laid her head down on Olivia's shoulder, finding her brain and body reeling. She felt the urge to cry at the familiar feeling of gratification coupled with affection, but she told herself to remember what was really happening here. It would never been like it was before, no matter how gentle and loving Olivia treated her afterwards.

Amanda pushed away, rising slowly. She swayed on weak knees for a moment before grasping at her pants.

She needed to get off this beach.

“Get up.” She ordered, turning her face away to hide the tremble in her lips.

She heard Olivia rising from the sandy ground as she finished buttoning her pants. She stared at the city skyline for a moment before turning.

“Let's get out of here.” She muttered, keeping her head down as she pushed past Olivia to the car.

Olivia didn't respond but she obeyed this time, unlocking the car and heading to the other side.

Once they were both inside, she started the car, but didn't pull off the beach. She grasped the steering wheel, her face illuminated in the lights of the dashboard.

“I'm not sorry.” She murmured at last.

Amanda clenched her teeth and turned her gaze towards the window. “I can make you sorry.” She ground out, gripping the door handle for something to still the tremor in her hand.

“I doubt it.” Olivia said, softly.

“Just fucking drive.” Amanda snapped, drawing in a breath against encroaching emotion. The last thing she needed was a breakdown, just to cement how truly weak she really was.

Olivia sighed softly before shifting the car into drive and pulling away from the beach. They drove in silence, and Amanda's eyes trailed after the passing scenery without comprehension.

The drive back to the hotel was much shorter than the walk she’d taken down to the beach but by the time they reached the hotel, she’d managed to calm the shaking of her body although she doubted the racing of her heart and brain would stop anytime soon.

As soon as the car was parked, she shoved the door open and strode towards the hotel. She left Olivia far behind her as she found her way back up to the hotel room. Once inside, she shut herself in the bathroom.

She sank down on the closed toilet and laid her head down in her hands. Her head and her heart ached from emotional exertion of the night and more than anything, she wished she could simply disappear from this hotel, and from the situation. The entire exchange at the beach had left her feeling lost and uncertain. When she'd been angry and vengeful, she'd known what she wanted. It had been easy.

For six months she'd thought she'd suffered to the highest bearable point but as it turned out, those long months of solitude were nothing compared to coming face to face with the demons that haunted her. Her anger had turned into a beast of its own and now it was more comforting than even the thoughts of love or forgiveness; and she didn't know if she didn't want to change that or she couldn't...or if it even really mattered...


	5. Chapter 5

Amanda's thoughts ran in a never ending circle, pacing back and forth like a caged animal. Her temples ached but she couldn't shut off the panicked way her mind raced and her heart thudded. 

 There was no going back from this night. Her actions had irrevocably changed the path they were headed down and she didn't know if she could keep her eyes open to glimpse the trainwreck that lay ahead.

 She jumped when she heard the hotel room door and open and close. She froze, her ears straining to hear Olivia moving around outside.

 She clenched her hands about her forehead and squeezed her eyes shut, drawing in deep breaths. There was very little chance that Olivia would allow her to remain locked in the bathroom all evening, despite what Amanda had just put her through.

“Fuck…” Amanda whispered, biting at her lip. She needed another goddamn smoke. Emotion lingered on the fringes of her mind, only half a second away from rushing to the forefront.

  _What have I done_? 

 Her brain whispered nightmarish scenarios to her, reminding her of exactly what had happened inside this hotel room and on that beach. 

 This sick feeling of horror was not what she had expected when she had fantasized about punishing Olivia for her wrongdoings...No, what had happened was far more depraved and degrading than she'd ever imagined, and she wanted to believe that it wasn't her fault, but oh, god it was… 

 A soft knock came on the door and Amanda groaned softly. If she had ever expected Olivia to leave her alone, she’d been very misguided.

 “What?” She asked, sharply, her voice barely concealing a tremble.

 The door opened slowly, and Olivia stood in the doorway. Her expression was solemn but Amanda could detect the earmarks of concern. She looked away quickly, to hide the storm of regret that wallowed in her gaze.

 Olivia’s intuitive eyes narrowed upon Amanda’s face before she stepped inside. She came to stand in front of Amanda, her hand softly caressing over her head. Tears welled in Amanda’s eyes and she ducked her head, pressing her face against Olivia’s stomach. She was soft, warm, and smelling so wonderful, like a memory that made her feel safe and loved. 

 “Oh, god…” Amanda whispered as she tears rushed into her eyes like the waves on the beach. She grabbed onto Olivia’s waist as a sob shook her shoulders.

 “Shhh….” Olivia hummed, her palm petting over Amanda’s head. Her other hand slid down to her back, rubbing in slow circles.

 “F-fuck….” Amanda choked over the tears, her breath wheezing from her throat. 

 She felt as if her heart was being wrenched in two. One part of her wished that she had never come here, that she’d never entered into her affair with Olivia while the other part of her yearned desperately for this love, for the fulfilling relationship that had existed for one night six months ago. She wanted that happiness so much that she hated it. Her desires to be with Olivia had hurt her more than anything she'd ever been through. Her life had never been easy but she'd never realized that trying to love someone would be the most insurmountable challenge of all. 

 If this night in Jersey had solidified anything, it was that all of her efforts to erect some type of relationship with Olivia were futile. Whatever they'd had before was gone, replaced by something so violent and vulgar that Amanda wasn't even sure she wanted it anymore. While she'd been consumed with her obsession, she'd never stopped to realize that the line between love and hate had blurred into nothing - and maybe now the only person she could blame was herself. 

 She'd blamed Olivia so often, repeating over and over again that what they were was solely of her making… But here, broken and weeping, she wondered if this dreary, hopeless situation was her own handiwork. 

 "Why are you still here?” She groaned, gripping Olivia's sides, her fingers digging into the soft flesh. “Why do you fucking want me?”

 Olivia didn't answer at first, but her hand tightened at her back, drawing her closer, “I spent six months trying to answer that same question.” She whispered a last. “I've got to believe there's something worth saving.”

 Amanda lifted her head to gaze at up at Olivia. In the stark light she could see the bruise swelling on her cheekbone, just another battle wound of their constant struggle for dominance… But to Amanda is a warning signal, a blaring red flag that speared through her heart. She'd done this and it was far worse than what Olivia had ever done to her.

 “I hit you.” She whispered, her voice breaking. “I've hurt you...I've destroyed what was left…” She pushed Olivia back, and turned away, wrapping her arms tightly around her midsection. “Go back to New York, Liv….Go back to your job and your son…”

 “Not without you…” Olivia's impassioned tone only served to drive another shard of guilt and anguish into Amanda's heart. 

 Olivia knelt beside her, grabbing her arms, but Amanda pulled away harder.

 Tears gathered in her eyes, standing ready to fall at the final sunset of this ill fated affair. Olivia had asked her so many times to end it and she'd never listened, but now she had to. If she wanted to get out alive, this had to end, here and now.

 “You don't need me.” Amanda whispered. “You've told me so many times and I never listened…”

 “I don't care about needs...I want you…” Olivia voice trembled and the sound of her breaking under the weight of heartache conquered the last of Amanda's self control.

 “Remember when you asked me to end it?” Amanda asked as a sob welled up in her throat, “Well, I'm finally going to obey you.”

 “No…” Olivia shook her head desperately, her dark eyes swimming in sorrow. “You don't mean that..” Her fingers grasped insistently at Amanda's arms as if to convince her by sheer force.

 “I mean it.” Amanda whispered. “You'll be much happier without me.”

 “That's not true…” Olivia whispered, her voice paper thin though emotion.

 “Yes.” Amanda nodded, struggling to contain her tears, “You will… I'm leaving the case…”

 “No…” Olivia repeated, sinking completely to the floor at her side. She laid her head down against Amanda's leg, her shoulders quivering.

 Amanda watched her shiver with tears as her own rose to engulf her. She squeezed her eyes shut as one slid down her cheek. Her fingers brushed Olivia's head, laying limply against the soft strands, sucked of strength. 

 “You were the last beautiful thing in this world to me…” Amanda whispered, her tone hollow, “Untouchable against the horrors I saw every day… And now I've destroyed you with love.”

 Olivia’s denials finally fell silent and she grasped Amanda's leg as her body rocked with quiet sobs. 

 It was ironic. For so long Amanda had wanted Olivia on her knees, crying and begging, but this outcome was far more heart wrenching than Amanda had imagined. There was nothing satisfying about watching the woman she loved falling to pieces at her feet. 

 She finally rose, easing Olivia's body off her leg as she straightened above her. Her chest convulsed with the threat of tears and she clasped her hands over her face as she stepped away from Olivia. She stumbled towards the door, grabbing on to the door handle so tightly that her fingers shook. She leaned against the doorframe, sucking in shuddering breaths into her aching chest.

 “Amanda...please…” Olivia groaned softly, raising her tear stained face.

 “No…” Amanda returned, squeezing her eyes shut and gripped the door harder, summoning her strength. 

 “Amanda…” Olivia climbed up from the floor and grabbed her arm, tugging at her. “Please, it doesn't have to be this way.”

 “But it would be better.” Amanda turned her gaze towards Olivia's, their watery eyes clashing with the final remnants of their will. 

 “Look me in the eyes and tell me you don't love me.” Olivia insisted, reaching up to cup Amanda's cheek. Amanda groaned at the warmth and softness of her palm and she dragged her face against Olivia's touch. Her heart ached for this, pleading her to stay just a little while longer.

 “I can't…” She whispered. “I love you too much to describe.”

 Olivia's fingers trembled against her face and she pressed her forehead against Amanda's temple. “Then don't do this…I beg of you…”

 Amanda turned her face away as a rush of emotion assaulted her. She ground her teeth against the overload of feelings that wanted to crush her and mustered what strength she had.

 “I'd rather you hate me for this, than hate me for what I'd do if I stayed.” She whispered.

 “We've both already done the worst.” Olivia said, grabbing her face more forcefully to connect their eyes once more, “Stay... _please_ ….”

 Her tone was so deeply compelling that Amanda wanted to fall to her knees at the raw emotion. Six months ago, she would've given anything to hear those words, to know the unwavering veracity of that utterance. 

 “Don’t make the same mistake I did.” Olivia murmured. 

 She grasped Amanda's arm and pulled her around to face her. Amanda's back pressed against the door, slamming it shut, as Olivia crowded up against her. She clasped Amanda's face and Amanda whimpered as their lips almost touched.

 “Please, I can't…” She whined, straining against Olivia's hold. Her fingers scratched over the smooth surface of the door because she didn't know if she could touch Olivia without grabbing onto her and being unable to let go. Her hands shook, aching to wrap around Olivia's body and crush them together.

 “I won't let you go…” Olivia's whispered, her breath rushing warm over Amanda's trembling lips. “I'm here and I promise I won't let go.”

 Amanda choked out a sob as Olivia's words washed liked healing waters across her shattered heart. She had wanted what was right in front of her for so damn long; she wanted to believe that Olivia's devotion was true and unwavering but the crushing dread of fear locked upon her imagination, dredging up dark uncertainties.

 “I don’t believe you.” She whimpered, grabbing Olivia’s wrists to push her back. 

 Olivia pushed in closer to her, holding her captive against the door as her lips pressed down upon Amanda’s. The warmth of her mouth closed around Amanda’s bottom lip, urging her to return the affection. Amanda moaned, a tear slipping out of the corner of her eye. She wanted so badly to react, to reciprocate the soft, passionate gesture, but something within her told her that only more pain and heartbreak would lie ahead. 

 She turned her face away and pushed back against the weight of Olivia’s body once more.

 “Please, stop…” She begged, a cry riddling her plea. “I can’t do this anymore! Don’t you understand?” 

 She thrust Olivia back with what force she could muster, separating her body from the inviting warmth of Olivia’s. It pained her to remove herself from the tender embrace but her instincts of survival urged her to make this choice. This time, she wouldn’t stand idle while Olivia removed all other routes except for the one that she desired.

 “This isn’t your choice this time.” Amanda whispered, turning away.

 “But, Amanda…” Olivia began, her hands reaching out, pleading.

 “No!” Amanda cut her off, vehemently. “I’m deciding for myself this time what I want. Every turn I’ve taken has been because of something you’ve said or done… And I’m not doing it anymore.”

 “Amanda, please!” Olivia tried once more, her eyes filling rapidly with tears as she clasped her together against her chest.

 “No….” Amanda whispered, shaking her head, “I'm done….We're done…”

 Olivia took a step back, her eyes wide, lips parted in shock. Her back finally hit the wall and she leaned there, her face crumpling into anguish. “No…” She whispered once more, shaking her head and blinking quickly against the rising tears.

 “Yes.” Amanda insisted, turning to grab the doorknob. She couldn’t look at her anymore.

 Olivia sank back against the wall, her trembling fingers covering her visage, twisted in pain. She sank down slowly, her knees giving way beneath her.

“I love you.” The distraught declaration emitted muffled and strained with tears.

 Amanda clenched the doorknob in her hand, pressing her eyes shut against the pain that sliced through her at those words. She had waited so long to hear them, but it just wasn't enough anymore.

 She drew in a deep breath, forcing back the emotion that wanted to escape from her body, and reached deep inside to find the strength that it would take to walk away.

 “I love you too..” Amanda whispered, her heart aching. “But that’s not a reason to stay...Not anymore…”

 She twisted the door handle and yanked it open. She forced herself not to look back at the pitiful, yet beautiful creature sobbing on the bathroom floor. She knew that she had Olivia’s heart in her hands and that this moment was the epitome of crushing it cruelly between her fingers, but she couldn’t remain out of pity. Somewhere she had to find a way to take her life back, and she wouldn’t find that inside this hotel.

 ~~~~

 It had only been an hour since Amanda had walked out of the hotel room, but it felt like an eternity.

 It was too late at night to find a rental agency, so Amanda decided that the train would have to do. She caught a cab to the station and bought a ticket back to New York City. Exhaustion was slowly creeping into her bones, but adrenaline kept her alert and almost jittery. 

 She boarded the train just after midnight and found a secluded seat next to the window. Darkness precluded any scenery she might have caught once the city faded out of view and she was finally alone with her thoughts. It was going to be a long two hours now that she had nothing with which to fill her mind. 

 She didn’t necessarily want to sleep, but she decided that it was a better option than letting her mind pulverize her with depressing and degrading thoughts. She laid her head down and pressed her eyes shut, forcing herself to listen to the sounds of the train around her until sleep encroached upon her exhausted body. 

 She didn’t know how long she had been out for before the chirping of her cellphone awoke her. She groaned as she pushed herself up in her seat. Her neck ached from the position she had been sleeping in and she stretched slowly. She wasn’t looking forward to answering the phone because there was 99% chance that it was Olivia.

 Finally, Amanda fished her phone out of her pocket and checked the caller ID. She sighed when she realized that it was Fin. After the night she’d had, the case was the furthest thing from her mind, and she considered not answering it; but she knew that would only make Fin worry. Unless Olivia had called him, he didn’t know she was planning on leaving the case.

 “Yeah, Fin?” Amanda answered the call right before it went to voicemail.

 “We lost Duvall.”

 “What?” Amanda sat up in her seat, the detective in her finally rising from beneath the layers of ruin in her heart. 

 “His brother picked him up and we followed them to a gas station, but then when we stopped him for travelling outside of the city, Duvall wasn’t in the van.” Fin said.

 “What do you mean?”  Amanda demanded. “He can’t just disappear!”

 “We went back to the gas station and looked at the CCTV. There was another car waiting on the other side of the pump.” Fin said.“Oh my god…” Amanda leaned her head back, grasping her forehead, “He’s going to Jersey, I know it.”

 “So do we.” Fin said, “Carisi and I are headed there now.”

 “I’ll call Liv.” Amanda said, breathlessly. 

 Her mind was racing. How was she supposed to get off this train and get back to Jersey in time to back up Olivia? If Duvall was on the run, knowing this was going to be his final night as a free man, there was only one place he was going and Amanda had worked with Olivia long enough to know that she’d do anything to save that little girl. 

 “I already did.” Fin said, “She said you were out, but that she was going to check on Melissa and Sara.”

  _Fuck!_ Amanda barely held back the curse. She leaned forward in her seat, rubbing her hand over her face as she tried to breath through the panic.

 “She said for me to call you…” Fin said, slowly, “What’s going on?”

 “Nothing.” Amanda shook her head. “I’m going over there now. She shouldn’t be going alone.”

 “She can handle herself but… I agree.” Fin said.

 “I don’t care if she’s the goddamn police chief. She should’ve waited.” Amanda snapped, “We don’t know what this guy will do if he’s cornered.

 “I know.” Fin said, “I’m calling the local PD after this.”

 “Good thinking.” Amanda said, “I’ll get there as soon as possible.”

 "I’ll see you there.” Fin replied.

 Amanda hung up the phone and clenched it in her hands. She stared at the floor, trying to formulate a plan. There was no way off the train until the next stop and there was no way that she was waiting to catch the next one back to New Jersey. She’d have to take a cab. 

 Just when she thought she was going to leave Olivia behind for good, Fate intervened. She’d had every intention of returning to Homicide and not looking back, but now, here she was racing to rescue Olivia from harm. Her heart was racing far too fast with fear for her to disillusion herself with rationalizations of her duty to her job and her fellow officers. The cold hand of panic wrapped around her throat and chest, immobilizing her in her seat. Terrible thoughts of Duvall possessing a weapon, filled her mind, followed by images of finding Olivia’s dead, battered body.

 Just an hour ago she couldn’t wait to get on this train. Now, she’d do anything to get back to Jersey and back to Olivia’s side.

 

 

 


	6. Chapter 6

Sitting tensely in the back of the cab, Amanda listened to Olivia's phone ring until it went to voicemail for the third time.

 “Goddamnit, Liv.” Amanda muttered, hanging up the phone. She'd already left a voicemail and it would be pointless to leave another no matter how panicked she was. 

 Olivia was either already at Melissa's house or she simply didn't want to talk to Amanda. Either way, Amanda's gut swirled with dread. Olivia could end up dead because of her selfish actions, never mind the fact that Olivia could've been smart enough to wait for backup. The responsibility fell heavy on Amanda's shoulders. They'd been acting as partners and she'd abandoned Olivia for purely personal reasons. How many times had she righteously said she'd never leave a fellow officer alone? 

 Her phone vibrated, alerting her of a text message. Amanda jumped at the noise, her heart lurching into throat as she unlocked the screen with shaking fingers. Her rapid breathing slowed when she realized it was only Fin sending her the information on the car that Duvall was driving.

 “Shit…” She whispered to herself, swallowing on a dry throat. 

 She wanted to kick herself for how terrified she was at the thought of Olivia being in danger. She wasn't stupid enough to lead herself into believing that she was only worried for another officer's well being. Although she'd turned her back on Olivia only a couple of hours ago, Amanda could barely stand the thought of living in a world where she didn't exist. 

  _Maybe if you weren't ready to really live without her, you shouldn't have walked away._ Her conscience jeered at her and Amanda gritted her teeth and squeezed her eyes shut.

 No matter how she felt personally, she had to go back to backup her partner, the same as she would do for Fin or D’Mazhio.

 She opened her eyes and gazed down at her phone at Fin’s unanswered text.

  _Thx for the info. R u close?_ She sent the quick reply and leaned back in the seat, trying to draw deep breaths. 

 She hoped the bastard was stupid enough to attack his own family and walk right into attempted rape and murder charges. She fucking prayed that he would be dangerous enough for her to put a bullet in him. If he hurt Olivia, his life was over and Amanda didn't really care how long IAB took her badge and gun for.

 Her phone buzzed again and Amanda glanced down at Fin’s reply.

  _Just crossed the state line. If you get there first, don't go in w/o back up._

 Amanda scoffed and considered not answering the text. It was more than a little insulting that Fin was trying to tell her how to do her job, and the fact that Fin knew exactly what she was going to do was infuriating. She almost regretted telling him about her and Olivia's involvement. But it didn't matter. She could live without this job if she was able to put down a monster like Duvall and save a little girl, her mother, and Olivia.

 Amanda replied with a quick affirmative to appease Fin’s worries and shoved her phone back into her pocket. She was going to get to Melissa's house before anyone else despite her detour. 

 The city came into view ahead of her and she took several deep breaths. She needed to be calm and level-headed. She needed to focus and think like a detective rather than a woman in love. 

 When the cab reached the street, Amanda told the driver to drop her off at the end of the road and paid him. She stepped out onto the sidewalk and reached for her gun. She checked the clip and loaded a round into the chamber to have at the ready. She flicked the safety off and gripped it in both hands as she began to dash up the street towards Melissa's house. 

 When she reached the house, she could see Olivia's squad car at the curb. It was empty.

 Amanda veered onto the lawn and crouched next to the corner of the house. She leaned her head out to see the rest of the driveway and her heart lurched when she saw the other car parked in the driveway. She pulled out her phone and checked Fin’s message before glancing back up at the car. In the dark, she could discern the make and model, which fit the same description that Fin had relayed to her.

 Amanda leaned back against the side of the house and calmed her breathing once more. 

  _You can do this...Breathe in...breathe out… Nail the bastard…_

 She eased up slightly in order to turn the corner of the house. She moved quietly along the wall, the rough brick scaling past her one hand and arm until she reached the steps leading up to the front door. She bent over to remain out of sight as she quickly climbed the stairs before plastering herself against the wall next to the door. The knob was on the side closest to her and she reached out to test if it were locked or not. 

 She had just eased it open when she heard the voices filtering from inside. 

 “You don't have to do this…” Olivia's tone was even and calm but Amanda could tell that the situation inside was anything but that.

 Amanda eased the door open wider, catching a view of the inside. From her position, she could see the doorway to the kitchen and half of the living room, but both were empty.

 Amanda slid inside and pressed up against the wall of the hallway as she moved along it, closer to the voices.

 “Shut up…” Duvall’s voice rose, strained trembling.

 He was spiraling and the stress of Olivia's presence was most likely going to snap whatever self control he had left. There was going to be no reasoning nor negotiating with this man. 

 “Just let me help Melissa…” Olivia replied. “She needs medical attention.”

  _Shit…_ Amanda leaned back against the wall, gripping her gun in both sweaty hands as she drew another breath. Waves of heat crashed across her body, creating a slick sheen of perspiration between her breasts and shoulder blades, and her heart beat a relentless, thick bass over the sound of her thoughts. 

 She gathered a breath and ducked around the corner. She darted through the living room and towards the stairs. From the sound of their voices, she could ascertain that they were most likely in Sara's bedroom.

 She held her breath as she began to take careful steps up the stairs, praying that there would be no creak or other sound to alert Duvall’s attention.

 “I wish you would just leave me alone!” Duvall groaned, his tone tipping dangerously toward unhinged. 

 “You know I can't do that, Ronald.” Olivia replied. “When the police get here, you're going to need me here. They'll do everything in their power to extract us alive if they know I'm in here….If it's just you and they know you've already hurt your ex-wife, they won't hesitate to kill you.”

 “Just shut up! I just want to be with my daughter!” Duvall’s voice shook, a sob lacing his desperation.

 “I know what you want…” Olivia said softly, “But if you surrender right now, you'll have a chance to go to court and prove your innocence. If you die, your daughter will never see you again.”

 Amanda made it to the top of the stairs and crouched low against the wall as she made her way towards Sara's bedroom. The door was slightly ajar, light beaming out into the dark hallway. 

 Amanda lifted her gun as she shimmied up close to the door and strained to see inside. 

 The first thing she saw was Melissa Engle's body. She lay on her back, her hands clutching her stomach where blood gushed, staining her fingers and her shirt. She was pale and Amanda could barely see her breathing. Her body twitched from the pain she was undoubtedly in and Amanda sucked back the sickness that rose in her throat.

 She pressed her eyes shut for a moment before attempting to take a better inventory of the situation. When she leaned in further she could see Olivia sitting on the bed, her arms bound behind her back. Her lip was bloodied and there was a bruise beginning to form around one eye. 

 Amanda clenched the gun tighter in her hands, locking her lips against enraged pants. Everything within her wanted to burst into the room and shoot the bastard on the spot, but she had to attempt to get them all out alive. She breathed out and forced herself to think clearly.

 Duvall was most likely armed with a knife and judging from Olivia's bound position he had probably taken her gun as well. Since they were in Sara's room and she was the focal point of his obsession, Amanda could guess he had her close to him with either the gun or the knife to keep Olivia under control. She wouldn't risk a heroic move unless she knew Sara was out of harm's way. 

 Amanda had the element of surprise on her side but she wondered if Duvall would even be thinking straight enough to surrender rather than make his twisted fantasy of killing his daughter his last move. 

 Amanda took a deep breath and quickly stepped into the door frame so that Olivia could see her. The lieutenant's eyes jarred to hers, their gazes locking. Amanda couldn't tell if she was relieved to see her or not. 

 “Hey, what are you looking at?” Duvall’s voice cut through to Amanda's senses spurring her into action. She spun around the door frame, her gun lifted in both hands in front of hers. The heavy weight of it wavered in her hands and she forced strength into her arms. 

 She came face to face with Duvall, breathing heavily at the sight that met her.

 He was holding Sara against him with an arm around her chest. A large hunting knife was in his giant fist, the sharp, glinting blade pressed to her tiny neck. Her blue eyes were wide with fear, tears spilling down her cheeks. 

 “What the fuck?!” Duvall yelled, his eyes darting between Olivia and Amanda. 

 “Put the knife down.” Amanda said, evenly. “You don't want to do this.”

 “How would you fucking know?” He demanded. “I remember you from the police station, you bitch.” He trembled, his face flushing with rage and uncertainty. He was like a wounded, caged animal. The outcome could be lethal if Amanda didn't act quickly and more intelligently than him.

 “Listen, I was just doing my job okay?” Amanda said, “And right now all I'm worried about is getting us all out of here alive.”

 “Listen to her.” Olivia insisted, leaning forward. “We don't want to hurt you.”

 “Shut up.” Duvall insisted, grabbing on tighter to Sara. The little girl cried out as the knife pressed closer to her neck, biting against the flesh.

 “Hear me out.” Amanda said, licking her dry lips, “Soon there's gonna be more cops here. I'm not lying when I say the entire New Jersey PD is gonna be here. Our squad is gonna be here from New York and they're going to treat this as a hostage situation. If you don't start making some smart choices, you'll never see your daughter again.”

 “What makes you think I want any of us to walk out of here?” Duvall demanded. “I came here to kill my wife and I came here to take my daughter.” His face twisted with emotion and bit down on his lip, gathering Sara closer to him. He pressed a kiss to the top of her head and Amanda could see his hand trembling. 

 “I know you feel bad, Ronald.” Amanda whispered. “I know you feel guilty for what you've done, and if you let me walk us out of here, I promise you can atone for what you've done.”

 “No…” He whispered. “I'm done trying to help myself. I tried for years to keep myself from her! And what I've done...God would never forgive!” He cried, a tear breaking from his eye. He panted heavily, pressing his face into Sara's hair with a sob. 

 “Forget God.” Amanda said through clenched teeth. “You can make reparations to the families of those girls.”

 “Just leave me alone!” He cried. “I want to be with my daughter one last time.”

 “I can't let you do that, Ronald.” Amanda said, adjusting her grip on the gun. 

 In the distance, Amanda could hear the wail of sirens breaking the quiet of the night, drawing closer with each second.

 “Come on, Ronald.” Olivia said, hoarsely. “You may want your wife dead but do you really want your little girl to die?”

 Ronald sobbed, sucking in breaths as he wavered with the knife at Sara's throat. “The things I want...I can't bear to speak.”

 “You want to die, don't you?” Amanda asked, taking a step closer.

 “I'm going to die.” He nodded. “I don't want to live in a world without Sara.”

 “Because you want to do to her what you did to those other girls?” Amanda asked, softly. 

 He nodded, haltingly. “God forgive me…”

 “God can't help you.” Amanda replied, “What happens next is your decision.”

 The sirens grew louder and Amanda glanced towards the window when blue and red lights washed across the side of the house.

 “Look, they're coming, Ronald.” She said, “Let me call my sergeant. I'll make sure they don't come in til your ready.”

 “No!” He cried, drawing himself up. “No one's calling nobody!”

 “They're gonna come up here and they're gonna kill you.” She said, her voice low but firm, “Your chance to be with your daughter is over. Do you want her to see you die in front of her?”

 He clenched his teeth, his eyes darting from her to the window.

 “I know you love her.” Amanda whispered, “Now, it's time to let her go.”

 “No, no, no…” He shook his head.

 Suddenly, the shrill sound of Amanda's phone ringing cut through the tense air like a siren. 

 “What is that?” Duvall demanded, lunging forward and dragging Sara with him. She cried out, tears slipping down her round cheeks. 

 “It's going to be my sergeant.” Amanda said, slowly, “He's going to want to know the situation. Let me answer it.”

 Duvall groaned, conflicted. He was sweating profusely and Amanda knew he was at the end of his rope. If not for the child, she would've shot him already. 

 “If I don't answer it, they're going to come in here and kill you.” Amanda said slowly. 

 “Fine, fine!” Duvall cried, “Answer it.”

 Keeping her gun trained on Duvall, she reached into her pocket and answer the call.

 “Rollins.”

 “Amanda, its Fin.” Fin’s voice filtered through the speakers.

 “Listen carefully.” Amanda said, watching Duvall as she spoke, “I'm inside. Miss Engles is badly injured, she's barely breathing. Liv is fine but she's tied up, unarmed. I'm here with Ronald. We're just talking...right, Ronald?”

 Ronald shook his head, blinking against sweat and tears.

 “Get him to talk to me.” Fin advised. 

 She could tell by the tone of his voice that he was hardly pleased with her decision to go inside alone but she didn't care. She had the upper hand right now and if she hadn't gone in, Ronald would've most likely killed Olivia and Sara by this point.

 “My sergeant wants to talk to you.” Amanda said, holding out the phone and clicking the speaker button. “He can help you get what you want.”

 “I don't want nothing but for all of you to leave!” Ronald insisted. “I don't care! Take Melissa out!”

 “Did you hear that, Fin?” Amanda asked.

 “If you want to do that, that's a great step, Ronald.” Fin said, “But we'll have to send a medical crew up.”

 “Whatever.” Ronald said, clenching Sara close. “But you're not taking Sara or the other two bitches up here!”

 “That's a good show of faith. We'll arrange for them to come up now.” Fin said.

 “No guns.” Ronald panted, “Just doctors.”

 “Of course.” Fin said.

 “Hang up the phone!” Ronald ordered.

 Amanda ended the call quickly and shoved it back into her pocket. She readjusted both hands on the gun, keeping her eyes locked on Duvall.

 “You're gonna have to do more than that.” She said, quietly. “If you hurt your daughter, this is over. She's your only bargaining chip here.”

 “You don't get it.” Ronald groaned, “I don't want out of here… Fuck, I don't even want to live.”

 “Then let her go.” She whispered. “Those cops out there can't help you but I can.”

 “What do you mean?” He asked, his wide, crazed eyes blinking quickly.

 “If you surrender, you're going to prison for the rest of your life.” Amanda said, “When your prison buddies find out that you're a pedophile….” She scoffed and shook her head, “Come on, we all know what will happen.”

 “Amanda…” Olivia's warning tone scratched at her ear but she ignored it. 

 “Your life will be a living hell from the moment you wake up to the moment you go to sleep.” She said.

 Ronald's brow furrowed deeper and he bit at lips, panting heavily. 

 “But you know what…? That doesn't have to happen.” Amanda insisted. “You can give up right now and it will all be over before you know it…”

 Ronald swallowed hard, his eyes darting towards Olivia and then back at Amanda. She could see his agitation growing in the way he trembled and panted. He was on the precipice of mental collapse and if she could push him just a little bit further, she could end this nightmare.

 Downstairs, Amanda could hear the sound of footsteps. The EMTs would be there soon. 

 “It's almost over, Ronald,” She whispered, “You're giving away all your bargaining chips and when you have nothing left to negotiate, they'll take you away.”

 A low whine emanated from Ronald's throat and he pressed his face to Sara's head, rocking slowly. The knife wavered against her throat and Amanda couldn't look into the little girl's terrified gaze. She couldn't assure her that it would be okay. She would never recover from this moment...She couldn't be saved.

 “But listen…” Amanda licked her lips, “I still have my gun...And I can do what you're too scared to do.”

 “Amanda…” Olivia insisted again, horror leaking into her tone as she tried to push off the bed.

 “Sit down!” Ronald shouted, a tear spilling down his cheek and stabbed the knife in Olivia's direction for a moment before dragging it back against Sara's throat.

 Olivia sank back to the bed, her lips parted in shock. Amanda could feel her frantic gaze passing between her and Duvall but she focused her eyes on Ronald, zoning out the horrific scene around her.

 Heavy footfalls created a loud, intense threat against Ronald's distress.

 “They're coming.” Amanda whispered, her finger curling tightly around the trigger, ready to release at any moment.

 Ronald's gaze flung from the doorway to Amanda to Olivia and finally to Melissa. Her skin was ashen, her wide eyes staring blankly up at the ceiling. Blood covered her lips like an obscene shade of lipstick, her fingers tinged with the same color.

 “You're going down for murder...rape….the pictures of your daughter…” She nodded as his eyes widened, “Yeah we found your little stash…. All your secrets are going to be out there for everyone to see at trial. You won't be able to hide from anyone...Especially not God.”

 He began to gasp against cries, his eyes wildly darting to the door and then to Amanda. They could both hear the EMTs dragging the gurney up the stairs, ready to take away Melissa's body. The thunks grew closer, like an impending omen, bringing the end closer with each second.

 Ronald's breathing slowed. 

 His eyes locked onto Amanda's, shining hollowly behind a sheen of tears, but the passion was gone. His eyes were nothing but pits of despair and emptiness. 

 Amanda's breath caught as if this moment were stretching out in slow motion. She glanced down, saw the blade tighten against Sara's throat. Her hands clawed at Duvall’s arm, her eyes widening, mouth stretched open in a scream that would never emit.

 Above the white noise rushing in Amanda's ears, Olivia's cry cut jaggedly across her senses, a ragged scream that shook the deepest part of her soul.

 Ronald's arm drew back sharply as he flung Sara away from him. Her body arched, her head snapping back as the knife sliced across her neck, creating a thick, deep cavern through her tender, white flesh. 

 His growl rose above Olivia's scream and he charged, the knife raised.

 It all happened in a matter of seconds, but to Amanda, she could hardly act fast enough- even when she squeezed the trigger a moment after the knife slashed Sara's neck, the sound slamming against her ear drums. All she could hear was the deafening ringing in the aftershock and she pulled the trigger again. The gun bucked in her hands as Ronald staggered forward, wielding the knife.

  _Bam!_  She shot again, causing him to sway, his stumbling footsteps faltering.

 Three bullet holes spilled blood down his chest and he gazed down at them, his hand trembling. The knife dropped from his hand with a clatter against the hardwood floor and he grasped at his chest, as if shocked that she had actually shot him.

 Amanda’s hands shook uncontrollably, her chest tight against her will to breath as she watched him fall to his knees in front of her. 

 Their eyes met and his face crinkled in pain as the blood began to rush out of him, pumping his life force from his veins, but she couldn't see the misery or emptiness in his gaze any longer...Only relief.

 His head tilted back towards the ceiling, and his hand reached out, quivering. She didn't know what he was seeing but when he sank back, his strangled voice mumbled, “Thank you….”

 He choked, blood spattering across his lips and face. His eyes rolled back towards the ceiling, and he whispered, haltingly, “G-god…”

 Then the light was gone from his eyes.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please note: this chapter contains mentions of suicide/suicidal idealization. I do not glorify suicide nor would I ever want someone to be negatively impacted or triggered by something I've written. If you're struggling with those kinds of thoughts, I please urge you to seek some type of help or therapy. The world is a wonderful place with all of you in it <3

The scene passed around Amanda like a movie. 

Uniformed officers flooded into the room, followed by Fin and Carisi, then the EMTs.

When she looked over, Olivia was being cut from her restraints. Her face was etched in fear and horror and she rushed to Sara's side. Blood spray from Sara’s neck adorned her cheeks and neck, staining the front of her shirt. Her already bloodied hands pressed to Sara's neck as the little girl choked and twitched. Vaguely, Amanda could hear Olivia begging the EMTs to save her.

When her gaze drifted away, she found Fin standing next to her, his eyes wide with concern.

“Amanda…” His voice cut through the haze in her brain and the ringing in her ears.

His hand was on her shoulder, the other reaching out for her gun. She realized that she hadn't lowered it and that her aim had only sagged since shooting Duvall. The gun rested heavy between her hands, quivering slightly.

“Let me take that.” Fin said softly, his fingers wrapped around the top of the gun.

Amanda loosened her grip, letting him slide the weapon from her fingers, leaving her hands empty and trembling.

“He wanted to die…” She whispered, her voice echoing in her brain.

“Shh…” Fin hushed her, taking her arm. “Don't say anything to anyone until you talk to IAB.”

She let him begin to lead her away from the bloody scene but her eyes were drawn back to where Olivia knelt next to Sara's body. The EMTs had taken over and Olivia was collapsed next to the bed, her bloodied face stricken. Her lost gaze wandered up to Amanda's and their eyes locked for half a second. Amanda couldn't read the emotion in her eyes but it was somewhere between disgust and horror.

Fin pulled her away and Amanda lowered her head as he lead her down the stairs.

“I can't do this, Fin…” She whispered. Tears prickled her eyes but she felt disconnected from the emotion.

“What are you talking about?” Fin said, pulling them to a halt at the bottom of the stairs. The house was dark and quiet down here and she was glad for the cover of night to hide the shame and terror that masked her face.

“I can't…” She shook her head, staring down numbly at her hands. “I can't face IAB again...I can't do this job anymore…”

“Stop, stop.” Fin ordered. He sighed and rubbed one hand over his goatee. “You just put down a very bad man...You're in shock.”

“Melissa is dead...Sara is probably dead…” Amanda whispered, seeking to steady herself against the wall as a second wave of tears hit her. “Jesus Christ, Duvall is dead...I might as well be dead too.”

Fin drew back and she could sense the shock on his face and in the tense posture of his body.

“Amanda...you can't say anything to me right now but it's going to be okay.” He grabbed her by both forearms and looked her in the eyes, “You're going to tell me that you don't mean that and I won't tell IAB what you just implied to me.”

She gazed up into his intense expression and she could sense the fear behind his bravado. She tried to imagine hearing suicidal statements from her own colleagues and she closed her eyes, pushing back the feeling of despair.

“I don't mean it..” She whispered.

“Good.” Fin said, breathing out.

He pulled her close to him, tucking her under his arm in a stiff embrace and murmured, “Let’s get you out of here.”

~~~~~

The next few hours passed in a blur.

She could hardly remember her rep’s name much less what they talked about. It'd been several hours now since she'd been drinking at the hotel bar but she didn't care whether she passed the breathalyzer or not.

Since they were in New Jersey, she'd have to return to New York to meet with IAB the next day.

Fin promised to call her captain and inform him of what happened and he stayed with her until she was able to be released.

At this point, exhaustion had taken over Amanda's body. She'd been awake nearly all night and the stress of the events had pushed her to the edge of her ability to cope.

Fin took her away from the hospital and back to the hotel room. As he laid her down on the bed, he told her he was going to book a room and he would be close by in case she needed him. She vaguely remembered asking about Olivia before she finally crashed into sleep.

When she opened her eyes again, sun was peaking through the window. Her body ached from sleeping heavily in one position for too long and she could hardly move at first.

A sound inside the hotel room alerted her to someone else's presence and her eyes snapped open. She sat up slowly on the bed and rubbed her hands over her eyes before she glanced in the direction of the sound.

Her eyes fell upon the open door of the bathroom. From this angle she could see Olivia standing in front of the mirror. She was leaning on the counter, her head lowered. Layers of long, dark hair cascaded over her visage, hiding her face from Amanda's view...but her posture spoke multitudes.

Amanda rose from the bed and approached the bathroom quietly. Olivia's head rose as she came to stand in the doorway. Their eyes met via the mirror and Amanda could see the dark circles around Olivia's eyes and the redness that reached like spiderwebs across the whites. She was wearing the same bloodstained shirt although her hands and face had been washed free of the crimson reminders.

“Melissa died a couple of hours ago.” She whispered. “Sara is barely holding on.”

Amanda swallowed hard. She knew what was coming and this time she was fully responsible for the blame. Her actions had been reckless and had nearly cost a girl her life and perhaps still would.

Olivia turned from the mirror, her face stoic like etched stone. Her eyes shimmered and Amanda could see the anger building inside them, the horrible disgust that welled up from within her.

She stepped forward sharply, bringing them a foot closer. Amanda breathed heavily, waiting for the verbal lashing that was coming, the moral outrage that she knew Olivia would fling at her.

The physical slap, however, came hard, unexpected. The sound of flesh against flesh cracked loud in the silence of the small bathroom.

Amanda gasped, nearly losing her balance with the force of the blow. The entire left side of her face stung and her ear rang in response. She pressed her hand to her burning flesh, panting in pain and shock.

Olivia jaw worked, her eyes misted over in enraged tears. “How dare you play God.” She whispered through clenched teeth. “How dare you almost cost that little girl her life for your own glory.”

Amanda leaned back against the doorframe, still clasping her aching cheek. Her breath rushed from her nose heavily but she couldn't find the ire to respond.

Olivia stepped even closer, towering several inches over her as she whispered, “I should report you to IAB. I should strip you of that badge you carry so proudly.” The words spit from her mouth, venomously, showering Amanda in the poisonous rage.

Amanda pursed her lips together against a wave of tears and eased back further against the wall. She leaned on her knee with one hand, massaging her cheek with the other.

“Stand up.” Olivia ordered, grabbing her arm, forcefully.

“Get off!” Amanda snapped, shoving her away, but standing despite her outcry. They came face to face, their gaze steely and unyielding. “You don't tell me what to do anymore, remember?” Amanda hissed, “I've got my own captain.”

“I outrank you and that gives me a responsibility over you since I brought you on this trip.” Olivia said, slowly, enunciating each word.

“If you were so superior you wouldn't have gone into that house alone!” Amanda returned, vehemently. “You're half responsible for what happened!”

“I'm not responsible for escalating the situation rather than negotiating a way out with the least amount of casualties!” Olivia returned, her neck and face flushing in anger. “You planned to shoot him and that is a violation of ethics. That's murder, Amanda!”

Her voice fell quiet and Amanda looked away, tears gathering quickly in her eyes. Her bravado was slowly crumbling under the weight of reality and Olivia's harsh delivery of it. Suddenly she found herself back in that office, taking another stern lecture, awaiting punishment. But this was much more serious than insubordination and failure to follow orders…

“Look at me.” Olivia demanded, grabbing her face with an unforgiving grip. Amanda clenched her teeth against the bite of Olivia's nails and glanced sideways at her with a shimmering gaze.

“You're a disgrace to the NYPD right now.” Olivia said, her voice low, “I don't even know what I'll say to IAB.”

“You're going to tell them everything?” Amanda asked, her voice strained with tears.

“I'm not going to lie for you.” Olivia said, her eyes narrowing.

Amanda jerked her face away from Olivia's hold and sank back against the wall again, her stomach swirling. She crossed her arms over her aching midsection and tried to breath but it felt like a brick was sitting on her chest.

Her badge was going to be ripped away from her. Her job, her future, her life… She could see it all slipping away from her in her mind's eye and it was all she could do not to slide down into the fetal position on the floor.

“For your sake, I hope Sara lives.” Olivia said, sharply.

Amanda panted, trying to gather her composure. Her mind was racing, striving to find a way out of this horrible situation. She'd always been able to scheme her way out of the trouble she'd landed herself in before.

Finally, her brain clicked.

“You won't say anything to IAB.” She said, slowly, her voice ragged.

“And why not?” Olivia snapped.

“Because…” Amanda lifted her tear stained face to Olivia's tense expression. Her voice broke roughly from her throat as she whispered, “I know your dirty little secret.”

Olivia's brows drew together, her eyes widening slightly.

“I can tell IAB any time I want about  _ your  _ ‘ethics violation’. I'm sure Captain Tucker would love to hear how you physically and sexually assaulted me inside the precinct a dozen times or so…”

Olivia's lips parted in shock. Amanda could see the pain and betrayal slicing her up inside as if she'd suffered beneath the knife’s blade as well.

“I…” She whispered, shaking her head, “I don't know who you are anymore, Amanda.”

“What..? Because you don't  _ like  _ or _ respect _ my choices? I saved your ass! You all could've died in there and I don't know about you but Duvall deserved those bullets!”

“That’s not our choice, Amanda!” Olivia's voice rose. “That’s for a judge and jury to decide!”

“Fuck the judge and jury!” Amanda nearly shouted, rising up, “I wasn't going to let you die!”

“Well then do me a favor…” Olivia whispered, leaning on close to her face, “Don't ever try to save me again.”

She turned away, and pushed past Amanda as she rushed from the bathroom. In the next second, the hotel room door slammed behind her and she was alone, leaving her to face her own bitter reflection in the mirror.

Her mind turned over and over, judgement and doubt clouding her brain. Her instincts for self preservation had always been high. She'd never hesitated to do what she had to survive.

She'd survived a childhood of raising herself and her sister, found her own way into the academy and to detective ahead of her age group. Everything she'd done since she was just a teenager was to have this profession and now it could all be lost because she was losing her mind over a woman...Because of Olivia Benson.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holy shit we're already at the end of part 3!!! It's been a fuckin trip, y'all, and I have enjoyed sharing this with everyone so much. Your continued support means everything to me. Now don't worry your pretty heads; I will be starting part 4 on Saturday just like regular. Thanks again so much for all your love. To everyone who comments, you guys are the best <3


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